Patrick "Paupie" Swindle, February 24, 1931 - December 13, 2015

Last Sunday, my grandfather, Paupie, passed away. For 15 years, he struggled with Parkinson's Disease, and the good Lord finally called him home. Our family is deeply saddened by the loss of the patriarch of our family. He was a kind man, a good man. And he is dearly missed. I was granted the privilege of being able to speak at his funeral. I thought I would share with you what this man meant to me....

I think looking around this room, it’s apparent that the man we are here to celebrate left a Godly legacy. You guys probably know him as Pat Swindle, or Bobbi’s husband, or Gary and Cary’s dad….If you know him really well you’ve probably heard him called “PAA-AAT!” at some point in time by my Grandmother. I know him as Paupie.

I don’t think that any of us can say that when we heard the news of Paupie’s passing we were surprised. Sad? Yes. But, surprised? No. Over the last few years the Paupie that we knew growing up was fading. The Parkinsons took hold at the end and stole his ability to communicate and move around freely. BUT even in the worst days, there were still glimmers of his sense of humor, and when he had visitors, his face lit up….even if it was just for a minute. But the last few years is not what my brothers and I will remember about Paupie. It’s not what we will tell our kids about our Grandfather.

My brothers and I have what we have come to realize is a rare relationship with our Grandparents. Our Grandparents live within a few miles of where we grew up. They never missed a birthday party, or dance recital or scout event, soccer game, graduation, wedding ….the list goes on. They were there. For all of it. When we were growing up, we spent every Saturday night at their house. For YEARS. And every Saturday night was special. Grandmother and Paupie both made it that way. And THAT is what we will tell our kids.

We’ll tell them about the time when Greg and Toby were young and they were playing in our grandparent's front yard. Paupie was chasing them both around spraying them with the water hose when he slipped and fell on the wet grass. The boys capitalized on his moment of weakness and grabbed the hose and started dousing him with water. As it turns out, Paupie had legitimately hurt himself, and despite his very real please for them to "Go get your Grandmother, boys!", they continued to laugh and soak him with the hose. I believe they eventually got Grandmother, and obviously he lived to tell about it. It’s one of those stories that comes up at all of the family get togethers,and no one told it better than Paupie.

We’ll tell them how cool it was that he had a motorcycle. I mean NO ONE’S Grandpa had a motorcycle! He would let the boys ride it with him around the block. Remember, that was back in the days where helmets were optional, and seatbelts were merely a suggestion, and people rode in the backs of pickup trucks just for fun. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to ride on the streets with him, but he would put me on the seat in front of him and back down the drive way and ride it back up…..and for me, it was the best ride ever. 30 years later, I remember it vividly.

We’ll tell our kids about Saturday nights. About the banana splits he made for us….sparing no expense on toppings; About staying up late and watching Saturday Night Live; About how he would camp on the floor in the living room and let us wrestle and climb all over him. About how he would lay on the floor with me and make up games that we would play for hours….I mean HOURS. My favorite, one he talked about during every visit I had with him until the very end, was flip cup. We would flip a dixie cup and keep score based on whether it landed on the small or large end. H-O-U-R-S we did this. And I’ve never had more fun.

We'll tell our kids about our Sunday lunches at Ponchos. Paupie would always carry me through the line so I could see over the counter, and then he would let me curl up in his lap when I was done.....even if he was still eating. And I know a Ponchos family favorite is the time when Greg decided to wipe his chili and cheese covered mouth on Paupie's freshly starched, stark white dress shirt....

Paupie laughed with us and played with us, and never seemed to tire of us being around. I think Grandmother said on many occasions that he was just like “one of the kids” and maybe she didn’t mean it in a complimentary way, but I can assure you, it was one of his best qualities as far as we were concerned.

I know we each have things that will forever remind of us Paupie. Cory will probably remember his Sunday morning trips to 7-11 with him to get the paper and his coffee. He’ll probably think of him every time he sees a roll of certs mints. Surely Greg will think of Paupie anytime he looks in the mirror, because of all of the Swindle boys, he looks most like him. Toby, whether he realizes it or not, has stepped in as Grandmother's caretaker, just like Paupie would have wanted it. And me....I’ll think of Paupie every time I smell instant coffee, or see snackwells devils food cookies at the grocery store, or eat a bologna sandwich.­­ I’ll think of him when I smell Aramis cologne or see an older gentleman sporting a 3 piece suit or suspenders on your average Wednesday. I'll remember Paupie sitting in his chair in the corner of his living room whenever I pick up a crossword puzzle, or a good book, or when I hear someone lighten a heavy mood with a perfectly timed and well delivered punch line. I think my mom said it best today - Paupie was a true gentleman. And those are just so rare.

No, none of us were surprised to hear he passed. We’re all sad that he’s not here with us anymore, but I feel like I can speak for us all, when I say that we are so relieved that he is the Paupie we remember now. He’s whole again. And now he’s home.

I have to tell you - there was a time that getting up in front of a room full of people to share memories that I would most definitely cry through would have been the last thing on my to-do list. I did it for my Paupie. He had a way of making you feel confident. He just loved so big. And he helped me through it. And I know he'll continue to help me through the hard things in  my life.

When I was writing this eulogy (of sorts) out, I could have gone on and on. And I just feel so lucky that I have so many memories with my grandfather. He was such an amazing man, and even though I know he's no longer here with us, I'm 100% positive that he's looking down on us and he'll be there waiting for us when we get to Heaven.

Baby #3: 17 weeks - How's it going?

Here we are, 17 weeks post baby #3 joining our world. And the question I most get from people who I haven't seen in a while is "How's it going?". Well, let me tell you....

First and foremost, "it" is complicated. Some days it goes really well.....other days it leaves much to be desired. The days that "it" goes well, I usually have 2-3 children who have slept entirely through the night, I am able to wake up and get ready without the "help" of my 2 yr old, and I manage to leave the house both on time and with each of the 14 bags I need to make it out the door with. (Ok, so maybe it's only like 5.....but it's still a very high bag to human ratio). When it goes well, I get all the kids into daycare and dropped off at their respective classrooms with little to no crying. I then am able to make it to work before 7:45. If it is going well, then I have also made it to work with my laptop and power cord, as well as my cell phone and lunch. There have been numerous days where on that front, "it" went very poorly. 

On days when it's going well, I workout on my lunch break, and still am able to leave work by 5 to make it to pick the kids back up from school. When "it" goes well, the kids get immediately into their carseats and the baby doesn't make a peep on the way home from school. I am able to get dinner on the table while the baby cat naps in his car seat, then get the girls into the bath while he plays and giggles. They don't fight me putting on their jammies and the baby doesnt have a breakdown immediately after I get him out of the bath. Once he's dressed, when it's going well, he takes a bottle, chills for a bit and goes to bed without so much as a peep, and remains ASLEEP until we get him up the next morning. After he goes down, Bella voluntarily goes into her room with me and she is out less than 10 minutes later. On nights where it's going really well, Mia entertains herself while I make dinner and goes to bed the first time I ask her to, without making 12 trips in and out of her room making random requests and driving me to the point of exacerbation. I am then able to enjoy a glass of wine, catch up with my hubs and get a full night of rest.

That's how it's going.....when "it" is good.

And then there are the other 5 days of the week.... ;)

1-3 of my children wake at random times, often ending up in our bed. Bella wakes crazy early and wants to be held or entertained while I get ready. She's busy squeezing all the toothpaste out or smashing crackers on the tile or soaking her sleeves with water in the sink, which I allow to happen so I can clothe myself and smear on some makeup to cover the bags under my eyes....The house looks like a tornado has hit it, but I dont have time to worry about it because I'm frantically running out the door because we're running late....again. I manage to get the kids loaded up and remember that I haven't made NIcky's bottles or packed my lunch. Dan entertains the girls in the car while I quickly fill bottles and try to throw together a salad. When I finally make it out of the garage, Mia immediately needs something....or so you would think from the 800 times she's already said "MOM!" When I finally acknowledge her, she is upset because she left her toy at home. It takes me the rest of the trip to daycare to calm her down and assure her, "we'll bring it tomorrow" and that the world is not, in fact, ending. I get the kids out of the car and the baby cries the second I put him down in his room, then Bella won't let go of me and I finally pry myself off her and leave the room with her hysterical. Mia won't let me leave her classroom without 10 hugs and kisses (which honestly I don't mind), but by the time I get out of the daycare and back to the car, I am right in the middle of rush hour traffic....and I remember that I've left my laptop at home.

I make the return trip home to get my laptop and am now late to work. I go to workout at lunch and have left my sports bra at home....again. I make a choice to move forward with my workout despite being ill-equipped because I'm not certain I'll make it back to the gym again that week. I get a project at 3:30 that is due before I leave resulting in me rushing out the door past 5 and pushing all the the evenings already tightly packed events back just a little further. I get the kids and the girls both want to put themselves into their car seats AND fasten their own seat belts. In case you were wondering, neither of them can accomplish this without my help....my help which they are refusing to accept. Fast forward  to 15 minutes later when we are backing out of the parking lot, all 3 children in full breakdown mode. We make it home and I get all the kids and my myriad of bags out of the car and into the house. Now, the dreaded dinner time....

I'll be honest, it doesn't matter what I make my kids for dinner, Bella won't sit long enough to eat it and Mia will slowly poke at it while singing songs and making silly faces which, while adorable at times, is rather annoying when bedtime hangs in the balance of my already thrown WAY off schedule. And let's be real, the dog is generally the recipient of the kids dinners so on nights when it's not going well, I pour a bowl of cereal and promise to myself "I'll do better tomorrow". 

We make it through dinner, the baby is now crying and Bella is usually crying and Mia is trying to convince me that it's a better idea to eat candy AND THEN take a bath. If I haven't given up on bath time by this point, I bathe the baby, then get the girls in the bathtub (usually forcefully and with threats to withhold sweets - bc I bribe my children when the situation calls for it). While they play/fight in the bathtub, I feed the baby while trying to shield him from the bath water flying out of the tub. Once he's done eating I chase Bella around trying to get her diaper and pjs on, and ask Mia 875 times to put hers on, then we make it to the playroom where I turn on a show for them, and go put the baby to bed. 

From here it's usually smooth sailing until it's Mias turn. When it's not going well, my requesting Mia to go brush her teeth results in a full meltdown as though I've asked her to remove all of her own teeth with pliers and bring them to me in a glass jar. When we survive that meltdown, and she realizes she can, in fact, keep her teeth.....she goes upstairs for a story and a snuggle. I pour myself a glass of wine and start dinner. 

I sit on the couch with my wine and my husband, and for whatever reason I tell myself.....it wasn't that bad ;)

So it's going.....good somedays and not so good others, but it's going. And for the adorable children who challenge me, and make me smile, and for my husband who supports me and doesn't judge me for drinking wine every night, I am thankful. 

Baby #3: 8 weeks - Life Lately

Well, I can hardly believe it, but baby boy turned 8 weeks old on Monday! Its so weird because it feels like he's been here forever, but it also feels like it's passed in a flash. My new little boyfriend is not much of a "napper" so this is gonna be a quick update...

What's going on with us now? Well, I think it's fair to say that the Joneses got their groove back ;) It's taken us a little time, and of course this is on the cusp of me returning to work full time (well, more on this in a bit....), so it will definitely be short-lived, but I believe we have made it out of "survival-mode" and we are thriving as a family of 5.

Me and little man spent the first 7 weeks of his life hanging at the house, napping, taking care of chores, visiting friends and family and just enjoying each other's company. I put the girls in part time daycare starting at 6 weeks post partum and so they were hanging with us Monday and Friday. We made it 1 week like that, and then I got a call.....My HR department called and asked if I would consider returning to work earlier than I had planned (10 weeks). They said they would take me in any capacity that I would consider returning. I thought about it a lot, and maybe I'm a weirdo, but I decided to re-enroll the kids in full time daycare and begin working from home "full"-time while keeping the baby with me. So, I'm back at it!

Now our days look a little different. Me and little man stay home most days. And during those days I still try to get the house work done in between responding to emails, working on reports, participating in conference calls and entertaining my hates-to-nap little one. It's been challenging, but thankfully the pressures of work have not been such that I feel overwhelmed....at least not more than I usually do. I will be working in office on Wednesdays until my original return date (so just this week and next) and on that day, my mother-in-law will keep Nicky for me. Tomorrow will be the first morning that all 5 of us will be leaving our house at the same time. Nervous does not begin to describe it.

But really, that's not what this post is about. Let's talk about this baby!

It's no secret he's my THIRD kid. And I have to keep reminding myself that because I am still trying to figure out why I feel like such a newbie! God is reminding me that he created each of us VERY different. I'm trying to think of what might be considered "pertinent" information, so I'll just start with the questions everyone seems to ask me when they see me again for the first time:

* Is he sleeping?

* How are the girls doing with him?

* Is he an easy baby?

* Are you still breastfeeding?

*Is he sleeping?

You know what? He is! We went 6 1/2 weeks of him waking every 3 hours. RARELY a 4 hour stretch. I was dying....and yes, I know it was only 6 1/2 weeks, but when you're not sleeping more than 2 hrs at a time, it's an eternity. I couldn't figure out why he hated me so much. And then I decided one night, out of desperation, to swaddle him - arms in. I was originally convinced that he *hated* his arms being pinned down, and you know what...maybe that's still the case, but at this point, his feelings about his arms don't concern me. I swaddled him and for the first time I got 4 1/2 hrs of sleep! he stayed overnight with my MIL at 7 weeks (yes, this is what you do with kid #3, ship them off for their first sleep over at 7 weeks old) and slept 5 1/2 hours for her!! Since then he is sleeping around 6-6 1/2 hours a night. THANK YOU GOD!!! He goes to bed around 9, wakes up between 3-4 to eat and then right back down until around 7. All I can say is - GAME. CHANGER.

* How are the girls doing with him?

Well I think I mentioned before that it was a rough transition for Bella. She really wasn't sure why we needed another baby in the house, afterall....SHE was our baby! But after her initial hesitation, she has really come around! She LOVES her baby brother :) She constantly wants to "hold him!" and *helps* me feed him bottles, and she's also nominated herself as being on "papi" patrol (that's what we call paci's in our house). Whether she's ripping it out of his mouth or shoving it in, she's got it. And Mia....my little mama <3 She's amazing with him. She loves him SO much. Like more than I could have ever imagined. I guess it was hard for me to understand her feelings towards him because I don't have younger siblings myself, but she really like GENUINELY loves him more than anything! She is the best at holding him and feeding him (also a kid #3 thing - my not quite 4 yr old is totally allowed to feed him totally on her own....because as much as I could use them, I do NOT have 6 hands). So, in short....the girls are doing AMAZINGLY with him. I could not be more proud :)

* Is he an easy baby?

Let's just get one thing straight.....there is no such thing as an "easy" baby. And if you think there is, you are clearly still sleep deprived or drunk. He is a good baby. He eats well, is gaining weight now, sleeping well, but he's not "easy". Because he's a baby. And babies aren't "easy". One thing that is very different from his sisters (and really everyone in our family) is that the child DOESN'T nap. I had no idea how good I had it with the girls. I feel like I am in a constant state of not-finishing-anything. Of course, as I type this, he is sleeping, but it will likely be the last/only of the day. And you know what, that's ok. It's challenging, but it's ok. He likes to be held a lot, and that works out for us sometimes because I really like holding him ;) But it also makes it a little harder to get things accomplished around the house. It probably contributes to my every 2-3 day showering schedule now, and I may or may not be wearing the same yoga pants I've worn for the last 3-4 days as well.....He's not easy, no. But he's awesome.

*Are you still breastfeeding?

No. No I'm not. I was so gung-ho at the beginning of this, then I was so beat down after he wasn't gaining weight and I had to nurse, pump, bottle feed, repeat 8 times a day.....that I introduced formula. And I haven't looked back since. I pumped and bottle fed him until last week, so he was at about 50% breastmilk, but due to time restraints, I began pumping/producing less and as of this weekend I started weening. It's a personal choice that I feel pretty good about until anyone asks me about it, and then mom-guilt sneaks in and I get down on myself....so let's just not talk about it ;)

So, that's about it. That's what's going on with us lately. The one other big thing I can think of is Nicky's smile :) He started smiling around 5 weeks, and now you can tell he can actually see you when he does it. I love it.....I forgot how much I love this phase. It's like collecting your paycheck from a year of work. And it's the best check ever!

I guess it wouldnt be one of my posts if I didn't update you on my status as well. I am feeling great actually. I have not been super active lately, mostly because the baby doesnt nap during the day, and it's ridiculous hot outside still, so running is tricky, I did begin training for my half marathon training. That's right, I'm training for training. In order to start the training, I have to be able to run 3 miles. At this point, I have run 2.4 miles as my farthest distance.....I WILL run 3 miles this week though. It's happening. I am signing up for the Dallas half in December, so we'll see how that goes. As of right now, I'm still 10lbs up from pre-pregnancy weight. I usually would be down on myself about that, but I am realizing that it's just my body. I will lose the weight like I always do and I will at some point fit back into pants that don't have an elastic waistband ;)

Here's a collage I put together from his newborn shoot. He's so tiny!

Nicky and Paupie :)

Mia is telling me that "Bella's too close to me!" Oh the irony....

We do this every night. She NEVER goes while sitting....but some day. *sigh*

hard to believe they're all mine.

Mama Mia and baby Nicky

Fishing with daddy on Labor Day

This was how i got her to stop screaming.....whatever it takes.

This Sweet Boy. Love him.

Chunking up!! Check out that cheesy smile!

Lounging on the lounger ;)

This is our setup while the girls bathe. Im ready to be able to toss him in with them!

Baby #3: 2 weeks post partum - HE'S HERE!

Well ladies and gentlemen.....He's here! Dominick "Nicky" Michael Jones joined our family on Monday, July 20, 2015 at 2:34PM. My tiny bundle weighed 6lb 11.5oz and was 19.5 inches long. He is perfect. Absolutely perfect. 

When we got back to the recovery room, I was holding my sweet angel and Dan and I were just watching and listening.....and we heard something all too familiar. Baby boy was having some breathing issues. He was making the same sounds Bella made just after she was born and just before she was admitted to the NICU. I was a nervous wreck. The last thing I wanted was for my baby to be admitted to the NICU. I wanted him to be with me! So, there I was, 2 hours post partum, alone in my room. Thankfully, Dan was able to be with him in the NICU while I was stuck in my bed in more pain than I ever dreamed possible. Our families and our babies came up to visit us, but no one got to see Baby Nicky that day. The girls weren't sure what to think. Bella was scared to see me hooked up to so many machines, but Mia was adorably loving, constantly holding my hand and giving me hugs. (She's such a nurturer, with such a sweet heart)

Once everyone left Dan and I were alone again. Dan made frequent trips down to see our son, and I had my first breakdown. I finally decided around midnight that I couldnt wait until the next morning to go see him. I had the nurses get me up (OUCH!) and I was strolled down to the NICU. There, the nurse advised me on his condition. She said his oxygen was good, but his respiratory rate was way faster than it should be. She said that often times they wouldn't let anyone hold them for fear that it would get faster, but I think she saw the pathetic look on my face and decided it would be ok.....So, she handed me my son and we sat. For over and hour. I held him and kissed him and watched the monitors.....over the course of the hour I was holding him, his respiratory rate slowed to normal and remained there. The nurse came over around 1:30am to put him back in his bed and before she took him she read the monitors. I'll never forget what she told me....."You fixed him!" Turns out, my Nicky needed a mommy snuggle just as much as I needed one from him. I'm not really sure who fixed who that night....

We were busy "fixing" each other in this pic <3

When I got back to my room, I felt 1 million times better. I was still in pain, but at least I knew he'd be back in our room soon.

First family photo

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This little boy is my super hero. He kept me active through my pregnancy and gave me strength I didn't know I had. Then he got here.....and just confirmed everything I had thought. He's amazing, and we are so happy he's here!

just lounging in his lounge wear ;) Anyone who knows Dan personally knows how appropriate this outfit is for our son

I left the hospital that Thursday. I was still in pain and just barely getting around. The kids came home that night and we spent our first night together as a family. Bella wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, but Mia ran to him and wanted to hold him all night. Since then, Bella has started to come around, and she even held him for the first time the other day. She always wants to help put his paci in or grab a diaper for me to change him, cover him up or rock him in his swing. We are so lucky that our girls are handling this so well.....

So, I am now 2 weeks post partum. Baby Nicky is doing well. He's eating about every 3 hours and mostly sleeps in between. He's not gaining weight as quickly as the doc would like despite my feeding him seemingly CONSTANTLY so I saw a lactation consultant yesterday and we now have an 8 million part plan that should put some weight on his bones in no time. I, in no way, feel overwhelmed by the 5 other steps I now have in addition to just nursing him. *insert sarcastic emoticon here*

Things at home are definitely "real" now. The kids seem to be settling back into their routines and sleeping pretty good at night. I can't say this has been an easy transition. Aside from going from 0 kids to 1, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I had a lot of people tell me that after 2 kids, it doesnt really get harder. I can tell you this.....they lied. Either that, or their kids were older than my 2 when #3 joined the picture. It's no joke. And it's certainly not for the faint of heart. We are surviving, but that's really it. I call the night a huge success when in a 3 hour period, no one has slammed a door and there hasn't been a complete breakdown by 2 (or more) of my children at the same time. I have yet to experience a breakdown-less night.....so I'm not even sure what that would feel like. 

As far as how I'm feeling....I am starting to feel less "night of the living dead"-y and more "Margaret"-y. I'm 13 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, but I feel pretty good about that at this stage in the game. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on Monday, and by that point, I'd like to be at least walking some during the week. My goal is to be pre-pregnancy weight by the time I go back to work.....ambitious I know....but so was working out 6 days a week until I was 36 weeks pregnant ;) I better see some pay off from that dammit! 

Here are some pics of our life lately. Hope you've enjoyed my last trek through pregnancy. I have to say, it was quite the journey and as glad as I am that I won't be doing it again, I'm sad it's over. Wait.....scratch that! I'm just glad he's on the outside of me now so I can kiss his cute face!

Nicky had just gotten back to our room, and we must have sat like this for HOURS. It's still his favorite spot to curl up.....and I can't complain. 

The girls got some new Princess gear from our Aunt Wendy :) You know, because you can NEVER have too much princess gear ;)

At night before bed, I'm nursing Nicky and both girls are snuggled up next to me. I'm so glad they like to be so close. Even in the moments where I need some space, I realize it's a blessing that they want to be near me. I hope it lasts!

Even my baby girl is coming around on the idea of keeping the new baby around ;)

My biggest asset holding her new baby brother. She already loves him so much!

He's still so tiny and wrinkly, but if he follows in his sisters footsteps when they were babies, he'll be a chunker in no time! :)

It took Bella almost 2 weeks, but she finally wanted to hold him, I think this was a pivotal moment for her acceptance of him. He is now allowed to stay ;)

I mean, seriously......how much cuter could she get?!?

This wonderful lady, that I call mom stayed with me during week 2 and helped with Nicky and the girls. We miss having her around during the day now :( We love our Grammy!

Mia wants to hold the baby....and Bella just wants to be where Mia is.

This is one of the first pics I have of his eyes! They're blue! :)

Baby #3: 38 Weeks - reflecting.

Today I am 38w5d pregnant. It's the Friday before my scheduled c-section. I decided that maybe I ought to take this one final opportunity and relax.....have some "me" time. So I'm currently sitting in my quiet living room with a cup of coffee, just thinking.....

What a ride this has been. I feel like this pregnancy has really taught me more about myself than any other. Maybe it's the "boy". Maybe it's the number. Maybe I'm just getting older. Who really knows. But for this experience, I'm thankful.

When I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, I was shocked. I could not wrap my brain around caring for another being. I felt overwhelmed and unsure of myself both as a mom and just as a sane, functioning person. Over the course of the last 38 weeks, a lot has changed. I feel like *this* baby has made me a better mom and a healthier woman.....but in no way a more sane person.

I feel like I spent a lot of time before feeling sorry for myself. I didn't have enough time or energy to do anything or be the mom/wife I wanted to be. I allowed myself to become lazy when it came to my health and well being, because I "deserved" a break and didn't have time to worry about that stuff. When I got pregnant, that gradually changed. I decided that this pregnancy wasn't going to be just another hindrance....another excuse. I wanted to feel empowered and I discovered through this baby boy, that a feeling of empowerment comes from within.

I dedicated myself to making healthier choices, staying active, making the most of the time with my kids (instead of just getting through it). I found myself wanting to be home rather than going out to have fun. I realized that what I have here, is pretty awesome. And while it feels SUPER overwhelming sometimes, there is still no place I'd rather be. I tried to remember to laugh when the kids did silly things, even if what they were doing was in complete disregard for my instruction. I tried to cherish my alone time with my husband more and relate to him on a level that didn't involve our kids.....because after all, when we fell in love, they weren't in the picture. I also poured myself into my work, because as it turns out, I really love my job and if I'm going to do something......I'm going to do it all the way. I realized that I can be a working mom and still be a good mom. I had to let go of some of my mom guilt and realize that as important as it is for a SAHM to be home with their kids, it was just as important for me to teach my kids the value in a strong work ethic (which I learned from both of my parents).

I won't lie. I've had an easy go of this. Part of that is genetic I'm sure.....but part of it was me. I think we all get a say in how we feel every day. And I think that more often than not, over the course of the last 38 weeks, I decided I was going to have a good day (even if at the end of the day all of the days events totally disagreed with my decision ;)).

So here I am, 4 days from meeting my baby boy. My #3, but my first little boy. I'm feeling calm and anxious. It's like my body is one big oxymoron. I am hyper aware of every contraction and every movement inside me. I have plans upon pans running through my head for every scenario that could arise between now and Monday. But....I'm ready.

To My Baby Boy:

Thank you. 32 years and I couldn't seem to get "it". But then you came along and it only took you 38 weeks to make this woman, a momma you can be proud of. I can't wait to meet you. I already think you're pretty amazing.

Love,
Mom, your biggest fan

Baby #3: 37 weeks - the last leg

This morning I'm 37w4d pregnant. And I feel every bit of it. I have weekly doctors appointments now and they've confirmed my feeling. On Monday, the doc did another sono to see how Baby Nicky was positioned.....still frank breech (booty down, head up). He's literally been in the same position since 32 weeks. He's likely not going anywhere at this point.

I have a c-section scheduled for Monday, July 20. We will meet our boy on OR BEFORE that day. Now, all pregnant moms live with a dellusion, spoken or otherwise, that they will deliver early. Because their moms did, or because their babies are big, or because this is their 2nd, 3rd, etc and their bodies are just ready, or you know, because they "just know". I am aware that I'm dellusional people, but I honestly believe we will be meeting our baby boy before the 20th. 

At my 36 week appointment I was 1 cm dilated. This is no big deal. Unless you are me. If you're me, it's a big, weird deal. Historically speaking, at the start of my weekly appointments, I get my hopes up that I'm "progressing" and at each of the 4, I have made little to no progress. This time I had managed my own expectations. I, at no point, expected to dilate or efface. Well, Monday, at 37 weeks, I was dilated to a 2 and having very regular contractions. I should tell you that when my body reaches a 4, it's done. BUT to get to a 4, it usually takes hours of petocin and the doc breaking my water. For both pregnancies, I went from a 4 to a 10 within 30 minutes. No lie. So, to be a 2, at 37 weeks.....now sh*ts about to get real.

My doc, being conservative knowing how my body does labor, instructed me to call if I had contractions for an hour that were 10 minutes apart (as opposed to the usual 5 minutes). She doesn't want to risk the baby getting down in the birth canal booty first. I have almost called 2 nights now. I would say that when it comes down to a choice of whether to call the doc or not, I always err on the side of not calling. I could not tell you why that is. I think I don't want to be the guy that calls every time I feel the baby move "funny" so I just don't call.....like ever. Well I was very close on Monday and Tuesday night. But as soon as I told myself, ok, after the next one, I'll call.....they would spread out. And I would be able to fall asleep. 

So, here I am. Still pregnant. Waiting. Anxiously waiting. 

My plan was to work until the Friday before my due date. That is 2 weeks from Friday. At this point, I will for sure not be working past next Friday. Ya'll....that's 1 week from now. 

I recently was approved to hire someone to work for me. I was promoted to Senior Analyst and am now in the process of building my department :) While I could not be more thrilled, the pressure of trying to train someone new in the short amount of time I have is nerve wracking. I, in no way, wonder why I feel like I'm in labor at night. It's like my body trying to loosen up and breathe! I take a lot of pride in my job and thankfully because of that, I have made it very easy for someone to come in behind me and pick up where I've left off (probably a fatal flaw ;)). For this reason, after almost a week of training my new hire, I feel much better about the prospect of leaving before I had planned. I think my team will still miss me....but be able to get by while I tend to FAR more important things ;)

So, that's it. I have an appointment on Monday at 11:30. I expect that if I have progressed any farther, my doctor won't let me leave the hospital still pregnant. I'm good with that. 

I'll keep you all posted :)

In the meantime, I would really appreciate prayers for a smooth delivery and healthy baby boy....just if you think about it. Oh, and while you're praying, maybe throw in something about a quick recovery? thanks ;)

37 weeks - this must be a good angle, because I look way bigger than that in real life...

This is last Thursday, we were trying to be patriotic ;)

36 weeks

Baby #3: 34 weeks - Zzzzzzz

Ya'll we are half way through June. And only 6 weeks from my due date. This is crazy.

Well it happened. Summer got here. It's flight was delayed, what with all the rain, but it finally arrived. With a vengeance. It's been hot. Not "Mia pregnancy hot" where we had the record heat for like 99 days.....but it's no longer warm. It's freaking hot. I have reached the point where I'm just tired. All. The. Time. I want to workout (and by that I mean, I want to minimize how huge my ass is getting), but finding the energy is hard. I actually haven't done a real, legit workout since Wednesday of last week. That's weird for me. Like SUPER weird. Now, granted, I've been busy.....but I'm always busy. So, to not make time to workout is weird. I don't like it.

Dan has finally returned from the land of "don't breathe on anyone and for sure don't sleep in my bed" and rejoined our lives. He was struck down with strep that lasted (I kid you not....) 2 freaking weeks. The second week, his strep virus invited an upper respiratory infection to join the party. It was awesome. For all of us. I'm sure that in no part plays into me being tired. Ha.

Bella is now walking again. She's limping some, but she is definitely bi-pedal. And back to her mobile,  into everything self. It's been great. And again, prob in no way contributing to my tiredness. Oh, and in case you were wondering (because why wouldn't you wonder about *my* toddler's sleeping patterns), the child refuses to sleep past (or even until) 6AM. So, yea.....again, not sure why I'm so tired. It's a mystery really.

Surprisingly, the only one in my house who is not making me tired, is Mia. And she's really the one I expect to be giving me a run for my money!

After writing all this down, I'm not even sure it's the 3rd trimester bringing me down as much as it is just my life. Did you know being a mom was tiring?? I feel like someone should have warned me about that ;)

Onto the other reason I'm tired....Baby Nicky. I just had my 34 week appointment today. He's still breech. He could still turn, but we are getting closer to having to make a 'Plan B'. I was told not to think about it and to just wait because he has plenty of time.....yea. That's going really well for me. I for sure haven't thought about it at least once EVERY day since 32 weeks. And for sure haven't played out EVERY scenario for birthing this child in my head since 32 weeks. And I DEFINITELY haven't bounced between freaking out and being 100% at peace like 1 million times since 2 weeks ago. For sure. Because that's totally not me. Wait.....yes it is. And yes I have. And how can you tell someone not to think about something *that* big? I mean people have c-sections every day. But not me. I don't. I have late babies that are medically forced from my vagina....but c-sections?? Nope. So, yes I've thought about it. And am currently thinking about it. And will continue to think about it until 2 weeks from now when my doctor tells me if he's turned or not. And then if he hasn't I'll keep thinking about it until 39 weeks when I go in to have him cut out of my uterus.

It's not a big deal in the "this is the first time anyone has ever had a c-section" sense. But for me, it's the first time in my pregnancies that I am faced with the unknown. I have told people before that there is no appealing way to produce a child from the inside of your body. There are a lot of pros and cons for both vaginal and c-section deliveries (I have a list if you want to see it). But for me, the one BIG con is that I don't know what it feels like. And you can't tell me.....just like I can't tell you what it feels like to recover from a vaginal delivery in a way that seems real to you. And yes, I'm aware that I WILL recover from either method of delivery. And all that really matters is that the baby is healthy. I know. And that's all I really want too.....but I'll prob still worry until he gets here, if that's ok with you ;)

So. That's it. I'm tired. And a little worried about the unknown. And I'll probably survive being both. Even at the same time.

My next appointment is in 2 weeks and I hope to God I don't have anything news worthy to share with you before then ;)

lots of firsts this month! First popsicles of the season :)

First time Bella sat through a show by herself

Nicky's first hashtag ;)

Mia's first REAL dance class :) She rocked it!

Mia's first haircut!! Only 3 1/2 years in ;)

First time 34 weeks (well prob more like 33w5d) preggo with baby #3 :)

In case you couldnt tell we are REALLY into popsicles. And Mommy is really into kids eating them outside ;)

Hope everyone has a great week :) This face is one of the 3 that make me smile pretty consistently ;) Can't wait to see Baby Nicky's face in just a few short weeks!

Baby #3: 32 weeks - Nursery Reveal!

Well, we did it. We finished Baby Boy's nursery. Let me just tell you, once Dan and I get started on something......we GET. STARTED. I think this took us a total of 2 weekends to complete.

We still need a rug in the room and a few things to hang on the walls, but other than that, the bed is made, clothes are put away, and we even have our first pack of newborn diapers. I know it hasn't been that long, but I totally forgot how tiny they are!

So, without further ado......the nursery:

We kept everything pretty neutral in his room. I wanted it to be "boy" without being over the top. I think we accomplished just that :)

Once we got the daybed in his room, we had to do some rearranging.....we decided to move the "changing table" (actually the dresser that was already in the guest room which happened to go with the furniture perfectly!) in front of the window. It is not nearly as blinding as this picture would lead you to believe ;)

And as a special surprise, Baby Boy now has a NAME!!! Dan actually chose it, but we are both in love with it now. His full name will be Dominick Michael, but we intend to call him "Nicky". So, Baby Nicky it is!

And here is a pano of the entire room.....

We decorated his bathroom too, and while it is still "jungle" themed, it is way more colorful than his room. Normally I would drag the colors of his room into the bathroom, but I really wanted it to be bright and fun :)

So, there it is.....and here I am - 32 weeks:

I had my 32 week appointment on Monday where I got to see this guy:

Top is his face and bottom are his feet....in case that wasn't blaringly obvious ;) (I literally had to cross my eyes and blur my vision at first to see the face.....). They say he is weighing in at 4lbs at this appointment and he is in the 45% for weight. Measuring right at 32 weeks.

Doc says everything is looking good....except he is breech. Now, it's still early and he could still turn. So I'll stop there. He could still turn. He WILL still turn :) We won't discuss the "what next" of that scenario until 36 weeks. But I'm praying by then, there won't be a "scenario" to discuss. Other than that, I'm feeling huge. Just call me Large Marge! I'm still getting in about 5-6 workouts a week and managed to run a mile and a half yesterday!! Now, I use the term "run" very loosely, but it was faster than a walk.....and it was a constant jogging-like motion for 20 minutes. So - that was my Win for the week ;)

My next appointment is in a week and a half and hopefully I will have good news to report!