Today I am 38w5d pregnant. It's the Friday before my scheduled c-section. I decided that maybe I ought to take this one final opportunity and relax.....have some "me" time. So I'm currently sitting in my quiet living room with a cup of coffee, just thinking.....
What a ride this has been. I feel like this pregnancy has really taught me more about myself than any other. Maybe it's the "boy". Maybe it's the number. Maybe I'm just getting older. Who really knows. But for this experience, I'm thankful.
When I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, I was shocked. I could not wrap my brain around caring for another being. I felt overwhelmed and unsure of myself both as a mom and just as a sane, functioning person. Over the course of the last 38 weeks, a lot has changed. I feel like *this* baby has made me a better mom and a healthier woman.....but in no way a more sane person.
I feel like I spent a lot of time before feeling sorry for myself. I didn't have enough time or energy to do anything or be the mom/wife I wanted to be. I allowed myself to become lazy when it came to my health and well being, because I "deserved" a break and didn't have time to worry about that stuff. When I got pregnant, that gradually changed. I decided that this pregnancy wasn't going to be just another hindrance....another excuse. I wanted to feel empowered and I discovered through this baby boy, that a feeling of empowerment comes from within.
I dedicated myself to making healthier choices, staying active, making the most of the time with my kids (instead of just getting through it). I found myself wanting to be home rather than going out to have fun. I realized that what I have here, is pretty awesome. And while it feels SUPER overwhelming sometimes, there is still no place I'd rather be. I tried to remember to laugh when the kids did silly things, even if what they were doing was in complete disregard for my instruction. I tried to cherish my alone time with my husband more and relate to him on a level that didn't involve our kids.....because after all, when we fell in love, they weren't in the picture. I also poured myself into my work, because as it turns out, I really love my job and if I'm going to do something......I'm going to do it all the way. I realized that I can be a working mom and still be a good mom. I had to let go of some of my mom guilt and realize that as important as it is for a SAHM to be home with their kids, it was just as important for me to teach my kids the value in a strong work ethic (which I learned from both of my parents).
I won't lie. I've had an easy go of this. Part of that is genetic I'm sure.....but part of it was me. I think we all get a say in how we feel every day. And I think that more often than not, over the course of the last 38 weeks, I decided I was going to have a good day (even if at the end of the day all of the days events totally disagreed with my decision ;)).
So here I am, 4 days from meeting my baby boy. My #3, but my first little boy. I'm feeling calm and anxious. It's like my body is one big oxymoron. I am hyper aware of every contraction and every movement inside me. I have plans upon pans running through my head for every scenario that could arise between now and Monday. But....I'm ready.
To My Baby Boy:
Thank you. 32 years and I couldn't seem to get "it". But then you came along and it only took you 38 weeks to make this woman, a momma you can be proud of. I can't wait to meet you. I already think you're pretty amazing.
Love,
Mom, your biggest fan
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