Bella-Boo: The week 8 worries....

I'm back. Scattered and frantically trying to wrap my brain around what's going to happen in the next few days, but I'm back. Arabella will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. I can't even believe it. What this means mostly is that she is awake more often, she smiles (best.smile.ever) and coos, she is lifting her head more steadily, she should be sleeping more consistently (but she's not), and lastly......Mommy goes back to work. Yep, work is certainly a 4 letter word for me right now. I can't seem to keep my mind from formulating a plan to keep myself sane through a 9 hr work day on 3-4 hrs of sleep only to come home to 2 children (most likely CRANKY children) and be organized enough to not completely lose my *excuse my French*  SHIT! It seems like all of my waking hours are spent streamlining something that I haven't even had a chance to 'wing' doing yet. And trust me, that is a lot of streamlining because I tend to have A LOOOOOT of "waking hours" these days.

Now that we are down to the nitty gritty, people keep asking me "how do you feel about going back to work?". Well, let me tell you. I feel worried. I worry that Bella is too little to be away from me for that long every week. I worry that they won't hold her all day, like she likes to be held so she can sleep. I worry that they won't know the right way to burp her.....sometimes you have to sit her up to get her to burp, and sometimes it takes a while....what if they don't have the patience? I worry that she will be spending more time with complete strangers than she will with her own mom! I worry that she will cry when I leave....or even worse, that she won't. I worry that they won't know her hunger cues or be able to tell the difference between being hungry and just needing snuggles. I'm just worried.

Being a parent is hard. You have to make hard choices that seem wrong, even if you know they are for all the right reasons. You have to pray and trust that God is going to help you make it through the day without sobbing at your desk because you miss your kid, and you're too exhausted to control your emotions. You have to lean on your spouse to assure you that you are doing the right thing, but that also insists he would "make it work" if you felt like you needed to stay home. You have to trust your mom and other mommys when they say that you'll be ok, just like they were.....even if you cry the first few days. You have to hug your friends and listen to them when they tell you that you're not a bad mom for going back to work.....and that your baby will be fine. Just like the first one is. But it's hard. It's - have a breakdown at your computer while you blog about how hard it is - hard.

So, maybe I'm not as ready as I thought, but I am sure I will make it. And I know that I'm doing the right thing. Everyone has assured me that she will still love me even if I can't stay home with her. And I know that's true.

People say that with your second kid everything is easier. You care less as far as germs and cleanliness, and maybe that's true to a certain extent. I may or may not have stuck a paci that hit the floor (not even the floor in my own house) back in her mouth without thoroughly sterilizing it...but I can assure you with 100% of my being, that there is nothing easy about this. I remember being worried when I got pregnant that I would not have enough room in my heart to love Bella as much as I love Mia. I was wrong. Really wrong. How is it even possible to have my heart exist  in my chest at twice the size it was before November 6 at 1:52PM? I don't know the anatomy of it, but I know that's the case.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is my therapy.....my FREE therapy. So, I guess my hour is up ;) Maybe I'll get around to the details of Christmas and how my flab is progressing (or not) during our next session. Until then, here are some pics of the loves of my life.

I wish I had gotten a picture of her trying to nurse Bella's winnie the pooh doll the other day! Note to self: must nurse in private ;-)

Mia wanted to sit "by" mommy.....fine with me! :)

THIS is what I'll miss the most. 

Arabella Adonia Jones - here at last!

Well hello again friends. It's taken me a while, but only because I know I have so much to say. And ironically, the longer I have waited to get around to updating, the more information I have to report. Odds are good I will leave out a substantial portion of what's going on with us, but given that most of you have children of your own, the details I can probably leave to your imagination as they tend to be the same in the first few months anyway.

So, let's sum up.....I went in to the hospital to be induced on November 6. I had already started progressing and my delivery went quickly and smoothly. I mean, really  smoothly. We met our tiny (6 lb 14 oz) angel just before 2 PM and she was perfect.....absolutely perfect. It was strange because to me she looked SO much like Mia that between the epidural and the surrealness of the situation, I felt like I was in a dream. She had her cord wrapped around her neck when she was born - just like Mia (quickly resolved), she was super calm and quiet with WIDE eyes - just like Mia.....she was beautiful - just like Mia. I think it really took me until a week or so after we got home to grasp the concept that this was, indeed another child....my SECOND child. Now, I am fullly aware that there are two of them, make no mistakes about that. We had a slight "glitch" if you will, with little Arabella's first few days. She showed signs of respiratory distress during the first night and was admitted to the NICU for observation and to be put on oxygen. She responded well and was able to leave with us 2 days later. Because she was in a totally different ward than I was, I was forced to get up and walk far more quickly than I did when I had Mia. The nurses told me this would help with the healing process, which I thought it did....at first at least. I think when I got home, about a week and a half into this little adventure, I started to realize that maybe I was doing too much too soon. I started to be very sore and in a lot of pain from the delivery, so I made a conscious effort to slow down some and have since started feeling less like a train wreck survivor and more like myself.

Because Bella was in the NICU for the first few days of her life, she was introduced to both formula and a bottle way sooner than I had planned....but we all know how our plans go in these situations. Thankfully, she was still able to nurse once we got home. Because her suction was less barracuda-y than Mia's, she never gets the full amount and is still hungry after she nurses, so in the beginning, I would have to supplement her feedings with formula and then pump to empty myself out....again, not as I had planned. Now, I mostly pump and bottle feed her and have been able to cut the formula down to 2 oz or so a day - none on some days. This is a more ideal situation. I would love to be able to give her ONLY breast milk, but as I faced with Mia, I havent been able to get on top of the demand. Every time I manage to pump a little extra, she seems to be a little hungrier. It frustrated me at first, but only because I was/am sleep deprived and forgot that the whole reason I was pumping was for her.....so if she drank it, it was ok ;-) Amazing how simple concepts escape you sometimes when you are completely exhausted.

Let's talk about sleep. We're going to talk about it, because I would LOVE it if I could get some at some point. She spoiled me the first week or two with a few 5 hour stretches (which at the time I was grateful for), but in the last few weeks it seems my longest stretch is around 3 or 4 hours. And that is IF I go to sleep as soon as she does....which I never can because of the whole pumping ordeal. Good times. Those closest to me remind me that I went through the same thing with Mia.....She's a good day time sleeper but kind of a crummy night sleeper, but to be honest, I dont remember that. Although, i guess that makes sense given that my first kid has slept for 12ish hours a night for almost 2 years.

Since you have been bombarded by pictures of my growing belly for the last 9 months, I guess I should tell you that to my surprise, it's gone. BUT it has left it's friends - my ginormous ass and thighs, which were onced dwarfed by it's presence, but now very much visible in it's absence. I still have 15 lbs to lose, but in my dellusional state, I feel like I can mask it pretty well with sweaters and leggings. I refuse to buy anymore jeans that I hopefully won't be able to wear for long, so.....leggings it is. I have one pair of capris I can fit into but seeing as how we've been stuck inside due to ICE the last 4 days, I'd say it's not exactly capri weather.....of course. I have been working out for a couple weeks now, but just this week started with the love of my life - Jillian Michaels. I very much consider myself a workout DVD connoisseur and she ranks at the top of my list. Although, I have recently discovered a new craze - Barre - and it is pretty awesome....or at least that's what my muscles told me when I couldnt get out of bed due to soreness the other morning ;-) I'm hoping that in the next 3 weeks I can at least drop enough weight to fit into my fat pants so I dont have to go to work with no bottoms on ;-)

I feel like there was so much more I was going to say.....But honestly sleeping and eating pretty much covers the basis these days ;-) Aside from not sleeping at night, she really does have an awesome demeanor. She naps well during the day, allowing me to shower and workout.....even update the blog every 5 weeks! And she almost never cries unless she's hungry. Big Sis Mia has really stepped in and is a huge helper in the diapering department, as well as making sure she has her paci and that her hair is combed (you know, ALL that hair ;-)). I am thrilled to report that I dont believe we have done any real damage to our first born by bringing another baby home, and aside from a hellacious couple of weeks in the bedtime department, things are back to normal and we are all healthy and happy.

Having 2 kids is definitely no joke, and the 4 unexpected snow days certainly validated my need to send Mia to daycare during this time. She is BUSY....and bossy! She talks ALL the time. I swear she thinks the world will stop entirely if every moment is not filled with conversation or song. She is also (as we have learned) listening to EVERY thing we say. If you follow me on fb, you probably know some of the things she says.....I realize I'm partial, but I think she's hilarious. I'm pretty sure that's a trait she got from me ;-)

Well, here are a few pictures from the last 5 weeks......I only have 3 more weeks of maternity leave.....I'm super sad about leaving my baby, but in a weird way, I'm ready for things to get back to "normal" - or our new normal at least. For now I am trying to soak up every minute and every snuggle. I know now how precious they are and how fleeting.....

Our very first family photo :) Welcome, Arabella!! We love you already

My precious girl in the NICU on day 2 :-(

Heading home as a family of 4!!

Mia was so glad to have us all home....I heart this pic, big time.

new momma's know the value in this picture.....liquid gold.

please direct your attention to the slippers. LOVE THEM.

My baby holding my other baby.....she is the best big sis ever :)

if the sun is not up, most of her sleeping is done RIGHT here.

Mimi decorating her Christmas tree

She did so well

snuggled up to head out! Also, where she does her best sleeping ;-)

our first AWAKE smile!! 

seriously, does it get ANY cuter than this?!

I feel like the attiTWOde comes across correctly in this picture :)

Didnt have any interest in the makeshift sled mommy made, but didnt want to go inside until every icicle was broken off her slide. what a weirdo ;-)

Mia always used to do this too :)

Our little helper :)

Hmmmmm ;-)

We got Bella's Newborn session out of the way too and this time, since we have a moody toddler to include in a pic, we did them at our house. I think they turned out AWESOME :)

There are two that I intentionally omitted since I JUST sent out her birth announcement and our Christmas cards, but I'm sure you'll see them popping up on FB in the next week or so ;-)

I hope everyone has a VERY Merry Christmas!!

38 Weeks - END UPDATE

Well hello friends! Today I am 38w4d pregnant. And.....we have an end date :) I had said from the get go that I would wait up to a week after my due date to consider induction.....well things change. That's the drawback of writing all my thoughts out on a public forum like this. You all know how quickly my mind jumps from one idea to another ;-) This is just going to be a quick update because I have WAY too much getting ready to cram into what little time we have left, so to make a very long story short.....We will meet little Arabella sometime on Wednesday (this coming week). I have remained at 1cm since 36 weeks (which is further than I ever got on my own with Mia) and not really progressed much since, but my doctor and I have talked and agreed that it is time to meet the newest Jones. I will be inducing on my 39 week marker. I could not be more thrilled!

As you can imagine, even with 9 full months of notice that we will be welcoming another little gift from God, there is still plenty left to be done. Mostly erroneous things like organizing MY closet and of course the pantry and the garage....you know, all those places that our new little one will be hanging out most often ;-) Dan and I have our bags packed and are finalizing plans for our first little one while we are at the hospital. Why is it that SHE is my biggest concern?? We have both our parents IN TOWN and willing to help as much as we want, not to mention she LOVES them.....probably more than she loves us. But I just keep thinking to myself that we are deserting her. I have issues. I realize this. She will be fine, and so will we......So, moving on. We are also in the midst of trying to sell our car. Dan purchased a new (to us) vehicle last week so we are trying to rid ourselves of the extra one we have lying around before I lose the rest of my spare time to an infant who requires my boobs every 3 hours and a toddler who requires the rest of my body for the remaining hours of the day. I think there is a chance I have over committed :) I will wrap up work on Tuesday and we will head to the hospital at a TBD time on Wednesday morning. I could not be more thrilled. We, of course, are still praying that she decides to surprise us and make an appearance on her own, but in case she's comfy in there (as Mia was), we decided to create a plan B.

As for how I'm feeling physically.....I feel 38w4d pregnant. I am huge, I am not sleeping well and I am having painful contractions that come out of nowhere and make me feel like I have some sort of spasm disorder. I realize this is all part of the process and I feel very blessed to have had such a complication free pregnancy thus far, but I will also say that, aside from feeling every little movement of my tiny dancer, I will not miss being this pregnant. It's not a ton of fun. BUT I know the payoff is worth every ache and pain and every extra lb.

If you think about the Joneses in the next week, we'd appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts you want to send our way. And stay tuned in to instagram and facebook for photo updates of our new precious addition! In the meantime, here's the last few of me:

 37 Weeks

38 weeks

36 weeks - growing and evolving

Hello again, all. Today i am 36w3d pregnant. I try to post regularly-ish, but I also try to limit posts to ones that are thought through.....or even if not thought all the way through, at least have been at the forefront of my brain for some amount of time. Posts often follow days that are exceptionally good or bad, but this post is really more of a realization I've arrived at. I think it evolved from the culmination of exceptionally good and bad days.....and all the others in between. 

Realization: I'm a good mom. I don't do everything right. I don't have enough patience all the time. I have bad days....really bad days.....where I feel like I'm failing. But all in all, I'm a good mom.

Here's why: because I'm willing to grow and evolve. I learn from my mistakes (my MANY mistakes). I don't let the bad days define me. Because I love my baby. 

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I have never been a person to have aspirations to become a doctor or lawyer or make millions of dollars. I always just knew that my purpose was to have a baby and be a mom. I guess I thought that since being a mom was what I was "supposed" to do, that it would come as second nature to me. In some ways I guess it did. I managed to give birth. My body produced milk. I figured out the breast feeding thing. I made it through sleep deprivation and my child came out relatively quickly on the other side a 12+ hr/night sleeper with a good temperament and a healthy appetite. But those things happen. What I wasn't prepared for was how to deal with month 6 where I'm pretty sure my child didn't stop crying. Ever. How to handle public breakdowns without completely breaking down myself.....or avoiding the public altogether. How to manage a new job working full time and juggling the germs that accompany a child's first exposure to daycare. I didn't know how hard it would be to maintain my marriage AND keep my child and myself  happy. And it was hard. All of it. I made it, and I'm probably no worse for the wear, but it was not a graceful transition into motherhood. 

The other night as I rocked Mia to sleep, I realized that I suddenly felt like I was getting it. Yes, she's been pretty easy recently so that could be a false sense of confidence I was feeling. And it is even possible that so close to my due date I was trying to convince myself that things were going to be ok. Or maybe I'm just growing......

With baby 2 so close on the horizon I feel like for the first time in my "career" as a mom I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'm in control. I'm going into this venture into 'mommy of two' land eyes wide open. Now, I am not implying that I have "IT" figured out. No way. But what I do know is that I don't HAVE to have it figured out. And I think that's what I was missing before. 

So there you have it. Maybe my 'calm before the storm' moment. Maybe I'm just evolving. Maybe it's just gas.....who really knows these days ;-)

Well had my first weekly doc visit and turns out we're already making some progress. Yay! Next appt is Thursday so ill try to post again next week. Lord knows I have plenty to catch up on.....realizations aside.

Until my next thought.....

36 weeks

35 weeks

So today I'm 35 weeks pregnant. I guess that's like 8 months pregnant.....feels like 6 years. Since my last post I'm thrilled to report that our good days have far out weighed the bad in the toddler department. I guess life has a way of evening out because in the 'feeling like a whale' department I have had far more bad days since last posting. I guess 5 weeks in pregnant world equals exponential discomfort in preparation for the ultimate 'discomfort' at the end of this ride. 

I have been to the doc twice since 30 weeks. At 32 weeks my doctor was concerned that I might be at risk for pre-term labor because of the amount of contractions I was having. She performed a series of tests and the results were.....well I'm still pregnant. I was having the same kind/quantity of contractions just before my last visit, but alas.....still pregnant. I stopped keeping track of the contractions as now I know what I'm looking for. The contractions I was having were Braxton hicks as I mostly felt them at the top of my uterus. I have since had some very real contractions but luckily not at predictable intervals for any amount of time. While I am extremely exhausted with pregnancy, and feel overwhelmed with tired. I know what I am feeling is perfectly normal, but I just can't seem to recall this part of the pregnancy the first go round. One huge difference that is notable is that Bella seems to be sitting so much lower than Mia ever did. I remember having a hard time breathing after I ate, and this time, a baby presence under my rib cage is not at all an issue. As nice as this is, it certainly comes with counter issues. For example, I am pretty sure that in the 8 hours I was at work yesterday there was not even a 5 minute period of time that I did not have to pee just a little bit. And I'm not sure how I worked it, but my desk is possiblyTHE furthest from the restroom in our whole office. I may as well be wearing a bell to alert every desk I pass that I'm headed to the can.....yet again. But, enough with the dramatics.....as a whole (a ginormous whole) I'm good. 

I have every intention on updating again next week with more of the goings on after my first weekly appointment. I am fully prepared to be told I am making no progress, but will certainly welcome with much relief any new to the contrary. In the meantime, please keep me in your prayers as we enter this last month of pregnancy. Pray for a healthy baby girl, a painless transition from a family of 3 to one of 4......and for some sort of relief for the crazy allergies I seem to be able to find no relief from.

Here are some pics to catch you up until next time.....

31weeks

This says 33, but I was a little ahead of myself, it's 32 weeks

THIS is 33 weeks

34 weeks

35 weeks

And some from the amazing shower my besties threw me :-)

And some from Margaret's visit, I can't tell you how it melts my heart to see her and Mia play :-)

And finally, our precious baby girl checking out all the bugs in our yard :-)