Adventures in Mommyhood: Bella-Boo: The week 8 worries....

I'm back. Scattered and frantically trying to wrap my brain around what's going to happen in the next few days, but I'm back. Arabella will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. I can't even believe it. What this means mostly is that she is awake more often, she smiles (best.smile.ever) and coos, she is lifting her head more steadily, she should be sleeping more consistently (but she's not), and lastly......Mommy goes back to work. Yep, work is certainly a 4 letter word for me right now. I can't seem to keep my mind from formulating a plan to keep myself sane through a 9 hr work day on 3-4 hrs of sleep only to come home to 2 children (most likely CRANKY children) and be organized enough to not completely lose my *excuse my French* SHIT! It seems like all of my waking hours are spent streamlining something that I haven't even had a chance to 'wing' doing yet. And trust me, that is a lot of streamlining because I tend to have A LOOOOOT of "waking hours" these days.

Now that we are down to the nitty gritty, people keep asking me "how do you feel about going back to work?". Well, let me tell you. I feel worried. I worry that Bella is too little to be away from me for that long every week. I worry that they won't hold her all day, like she likes to be held so she can sleep. I worry that they won't know the right way to burp her.....sometimes you have to sit her up to get her to burp, and sometimes it takes a while....what if they don't have the patience? I worry that she will be spending more time with complete strangers than she will with her own mom! I worry that she will cry when I leave....or even worse, that she won't. I worry that they won't know her hunger cues or be able to tell the difference between being hungry and just needing snuggles. I'm just worried.

Being a parent is hard. You have to make hard choices that seem wrong, even if you know they are for all the right reasons. You have to pray and trust that God is going to help you make it through the day without sobbing at your desk because you miss your kid, and you're too exhausted to control your emotions. You have to lean on your spouse to assure you that you are doing the right thing, but that also insists he would "make it work" if you felt like you needed to stay home. You have to trust your mom and other mommys when they say that you'll be ok, just like they were.....even if you cry the first few days. You have to hug your friends and listen to them when they tell you that you're not a bad mom for going back to work.....and that your baby will be fine. Just like the first one is. But it's hard. It's - have a breakdown at your computer while you blog about how hard it is - hard.

So, maybe I'm not as ready as I thought, but I am sure I will make it. And I know that I'm doing the right thing. Everyone has assured me that she will still love me even if I can't stay home with her. And I know that's true.

People say that with your second kid everything is easier. You care less as far as germs and cleanliness, and maybe that's true to a certain extent. I may or may not have stuck a paci that hit the floor (not even the floor in my own house) back in her mouth without thoroughly sterilizing it...but I can assure you with 100% of my being, that there is nothing easy about this. I remember being worried when I got pregnant that I would not have enough room in my heart to love Bella as much as I love Mia. I was wrong. Really wrong. How is it even possible to have my heart exist in my chest at twice the size it was before November 6 at 1:52PM? I don't know the anatomy of it, but I know that's the case.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is my therapy.....my FREE therapy. So, I guess my hour is up ;) Maybe I'll get around to the details of Christmas and how my flab is progressing (or not) during our next session. Until then, here are some pics of the loves of my life.