36 weeks - growing and evolving

Hello again, all. Today i am 36w3d pregnant. I try to post regularly-ish, but I also try to limit posts to ones that are thought through.....or even if not thought all the way through, at least have been at the forefront of my brain for some amount of time. Posts often follow days that are exceptionally good or bad, but this post is really more of a realization I've arrived at. I think it evolved from the culmination of exceptionally good and bad days.....and all the others in between. 

Realization: I'm a good mom. I don't do everything right. I don't have enough patience all the time. I have bad days....really bad days.....where I feel like I'm failing. But all in all, I'm a good mom.

Here's why: because I'm willing to grow and evolve. I learn from my mistakes (my MANY mistakes). I don't let the bad days define me. Because I love my baby. 

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I have never been a person to have aspirations to become a doctor or lawyer or make millions of dollars. I always just knew that my purpose was to have a baby and be a mom. I guess I thought that since being a mom was what I was "supposed" to do, that it would come as second nature to me. In some ways I guess it did. I managed to give birth. My body produced milk. I figured out the breast feeding thing. I made it through sleep deprivation and my child came out relatively quickly on the other side a 12+ hr/night sleeper with a good temperament and a healthy appetite. But those things happen. What I wasn't prepared for was how to deal with month 6 where I'm pretty sure my child didn't stop crying. Ever. How to handle public breakdowns without completely breaking down myself.....or avoiding the public altogether. How to manage a new job working full time and juggling the germs that accompany a child's first exposure to daycare. I didn't know how hard it would be to maintain my marriage AND keep my child and myself  happy. And it was hard. All of it. I made it, and I'm probably no worse for the wear, but it was not a graceful transition into motherhood. 

The other night as I rocked Mia to sleep, I realized that I suddenly felt like I was getting it. Yes, she's been pretty easy recently so that could be a false sense of confidence I was feeling. And it is even possible that so close to my due date I was trying to convince myself that things were going to be ok. Or maybe I'm just growing......

With baby 2 so close on the horizon I feel like for the first time in my "career" as a mom I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'm in control. I'm going into this venture into 'mommy of two' land eyes wide open. Now, I am not implying that I have "IT" figured out. No way. But what I do know is that I don't HAVE to have it figured out. And I think that's what I was missing before. 

So there you have it. Maybe my 'calm before the storm' moment. Maybe I'm just evolving. Maybe it's just gas.....who really knows these days ;-)

Well had my first weekly doc visit and turns out we're already making some progress. Yay! Next appt is Thursday so ill try to post again next week. Lord knows I have plenty to catch up on.....realizations aside.

Until my next thought.....

36 weeks