The Years Are Short.

"The days are long, but the years are short."

I figured my first blog post in over a year should probably start with something cliche. The first time I heard someone tell me that, my initial reaction was - yea. Uh, thanks?

I didn't get it.

But I do now.

I'm a working mom of 3 kids, ages 5 and under. There are very few moments in my day when I am not thinking about/doing things for small people who can't do things for themselves. The days are L-O-N-G. Not long enough to get everything done, but just long enough to use up every ounce of patience, understanding, and quite honestly "give a damn" that I have stored up in the old tank. Let's be real - it usually doesn't take me all day to get there.

My last blog post was written in the midst of what I will always remember as my first adult total meltdown. Looking back now, I remember vividly how I was feeling, and how overwhelming every aspect of my life was. But I also think - where did the time go??? The years ARE short. Even if they don't feel like it on an average Thursday when you haven't spent a moment with your children where someone wasn't completely losing it, only to look forward to bedtime where a whole other battle of the wills began, and no one slept soundly, and everyone woke up sick.....

Please don't confuse this blog post as me telling you how absolutely together my *ish* is right now.....because it's not. BUT I will say, that I have found grace. I know when to fight and when to let things go. I can usually pick my battles - and I think mostly they are the right ones. I've stopped trying to force my children to do what makes me feel better, and I'm listening more to how what they are doing makes them feel. And I'm figuring out when to forgive myself, because I know I'm doing my best.

But also - I've completely lowered the bar. And it's been the best thing I've ever done in my parenting career.

Maybe lowering the bar is the wrong phrase (it's totally the right phrase, but let me be more PC), I've learned how to manage my own expectations. I no longer live in a world where I honestly believe I can take my 3 children to a restaurant AND expect to enjoy my meal. I am now satisfied when no one is screaming bloody murder as we walk out the doors, and the waitress promptly brings the check before the salt shaker has been emptied onto the table/floor. I don't get upset when toothpaste is left in the sink, or when the kids don't eat ALL their dinner (or any of it for that matter - turns out they will not let themselves starve). If they don't get to bed right at their bedtime, I don't freak out anymore and if they decide to not wear clothes to bed - also OK. These are things I've learned make me less psycho-mom-y, and more good-mom-y. I've had to just let some things go.

Another turning point for me, is that I've had to learn that I cannot require the same things of each of my kids. My first child is a very typical "first child". She's a compliant, freakishly smart, rule follower who responds well to positive reinforcement, and is very affected by punishment of any kind. If I raise my voice to her, she falls apart. I mean falls A-PART! She's devastated. When it comes to school, if Mia is on anything but Green, Blue or Purple (please tell me you have kids and understand that these are the only "good behavior" colors on their color charts), then I am just SHOCKED! And of course there would be recourse at home (ie. taking away privileges, writing sentences, etc). Being that she's my first, naturally, I assumed she was the way she was because I was such an amazing parent.

I could not have been more wrong.

In walks Bella, my very typical second child (who knew all the stereotypes were SO spot on??). Bella is not compliant, she IS incredibly smart - but you won't figure that out by asking her to recite her numbers, ABC's, or tell you what her shapes are. Because if you do that, she would rather answer everything with "poopy", than tell you what she very well knows. BUT, if you listen to her talk, watch her draw, or let her make things out of playdoh - you see it. She also only responds moderately to positive reinforcement, every other Wednesday, when it's a half moon, and the temperature is a crisp 54 degrees......and she could care less if I raise my voice. Bella's the boss. And we all know it. When I pick Bella up from school, I usually ask "How was your day, Bells?" and if she tells me, "I didn't hit any of my friends!" I know we had a good day. Because that's where we're at with Bella. And I'm OK with that.

Nicky, we're still trying to figure out. He's taking cues from both sisters, but hasn't quite decided what he's going to be yet. I think any combination of them and he'll turn out alright. He of course, has mostly good days, could care less about positive reinforcement, or rules for that matter. He's our 3rd child, so we sort of let him do what he wants, so long as he's not hurting himself or anyone else, unless the anyone else is one of his sisters - because sometimes we let that slide....

I say all that to say that the days ARE long. Very long. But the years are short. It seems like just yesterday when I was a mom to just 1. And I remember then thinking how very hard life was. And it WAS hard.  But now, if I only have one kid trying to crawl back up into my uterus, I'm living the dream! And then I see pics of myself pregnant with Bella and I remember thinking how much my world was going to change. And I remember how worried I was about Mia and how she would handle it......and then Bella got here, and we all survived. And Mia was amazing, and Bella smiled all the time. I sort of think she was laughing because she knew I would never sleep again.....And then before I knew it, I was pregnant with Nicky. At that point, I had a 3 and a 1 year old, I hadn't really slept in at least a year, and I was pretty sure that I would not survive another body that needed me........

And here we are. And we are all OK. My kids play together like they are best friends. They care for each other in a way that I just never dreamt possible.

So I've lowered the bar to be able to enjoy watching my kids without killing myself or them in the process. I'll sit in our mess of a house and watch them disassemble their play room, or take a walk to the park that I know good and well will end with me having to carry a child, a bike or both home, or let them stay up a little later to get extra snuggles, because I'm going to blink again and it's going to be over.....this part at least. And I'm going to want it back.

Coming up for air.....

I find it hard to believe that my last post was about the passing of my Paupie. Even harder to believe he's been gone over 6 months now. I wish I could say that my life has been boring and that's why I've been MIA. Or that I was just so busy KILLING it at momming that I couldn't find the time between making gourmet organic snacks for my children and working with the baby on speaking French.....but that's just not the case.

I've been busy.........trying to survive.

I have officially lived through the hardest year of my life. And I spent a good majority of it thinking that I was absolutely, 100% drowning. I think most people see my posts on facebook about funny things my kids say, or silly pictures of me capturing moments that I genuinely don't want to forget.....but between all that, I'm just trying to make it through the day.

There is a lot of pressure on moms these days to do it all. Because, let's be real - we are AMAZING. And on facebook, we're posting pictures of our shining moments....because that's what you do. So here we all are - sitting behind our smartphones thinking - "Man, she's really got it all together!" Well guess what? Sally SuperMom is struggling just as much as you and I are. At least the ones in the mom club I attend.* 

So I had a moment of clarity as I was staring up from under the water thinking to myself - well it's happened, motherhood has killed me - I NEED HELP! It sort of came out of nowhere when I was rushing out of the house with all three kids - all of them breaking down, tearing the house apart, asking for things - can I have a snack? You put my shoes on! Will you brush my teeth? Can I squeeze this lotion?? *as lotion comes flying out of the container onto the child and surrounding floor* - I'm yelling at my husband who is yelling right back at me, the kids don't want to get in their carseats....oh and it's freaking 1 million degrees out......

After I left the house my husband sent me a text and asked me - Are you ok??

My response sort of even surprised me - No. I'm not.

I think sometimes you have to completely break before you can start fixing yourself again. And I was there. Broken. Completely overwhelmed with my own life. 

So I was just on the other side of my first year as a mom of 3. I had survived countless sleepless nights, juggling work and doctor visits because I'm pretty sure there was a full 3 month period where we didn't miss a week at the pediatrician's office, potty training, sleep training and just barely holding on by a thread to relationships that meant the most to me....and I was not ok.

.......but I'm getting there now.

I'm definitely no expert, but I thought maybe it would be helpful to share some of the things that I've learned so far.

• It's ok to admit you can't do it all

MOMS! IT'S REALLY OK! Not doing it all does not mean that you are failing as a mom. It only means that you are, despite your children/husbands beliefs, HUMAN. And just ONE human at that! 

I had to take a look at my life and decide what I could eliminate from my "chore list". I needed space in my life. I needed to declutter. For me, that looked like hiring a cleaning person to come to our house every other week. It's something I had been opposed to because "Why pay someone when I can clean my house for FREE?" well, let me tell you, that gave me back 3 hours of my life a week. And that to me was priceless. I also started grocery shopping online. It is the greatest thing EVER! I now put in my order when I the kids or napping, or I'm watching TV at night and then I pick it up the next day. Game. Changer. I also took the self imposed pressure off myself to be so rigid at night with the kids. If they didn't bathe every night, who cares?! Before my adherence to the strict schedule of my own making was thought to ensure my sanity - and instead - it was making me crazy! 

I realize these exact things may not be applicable in your life, but figure out what you can get rid of to get some of your life back - and then just do it!

• It's OK to ask for help

This was a first step for me actually. I decided to go see a therapist. Admitting that I could not manage my own thoughts and anxiety was a hard step for me.....but it may be the single best step I made. If you are considering it at all, I recommend trying it out. Despite some beliefs, it is not admitting you are weak.....it takes a strong person to recognize a problem and do whatever it takes to fix it (I may have stolen these words from someone I see weekly now ;)). 

I also asked for help from my husband. It turns out, he is NOT a mind-reader. If your husband is, then you can skip this step, because he already knows what you need. I had to verbalize to mine that I needed time. For myself. By myself. Regularly. It is still a work in progress - but it's IN PROGRESS.....which is further than we were before.

• Find your "you" time

During my first appointment with my therapist she asked me "what's going on?".....and I just broke down. Everything. Everything is going on. All the time. And I can't breathe. She told me that it sounded like I was taking care of everyone - but myself. I'm not sure why this shocked me, but it did.

Moms, we need a break. We need to know we have down time coming - whatever that looks like for you and whenever and however often you need it. But you need it. You have to take care of yourself, because they need us - and we can't be the best "us" without taking care of ourselves.

• Create boundaries - and stick to them

Another thing that my therapist hit on immediately was how I didn't seem to have any boundaries. Not at home with my kids, and not at work. I need boundaries. I need space to feel safe, and space that I know how to manage.

Short back story - anxiety and I do not mesh well together. I'm an angry-anxious person. I'm short fused and irritable. I was seeing myself yelling at my kids, and then seeing my kids yelling at each other - and I knew I had to do something. I had to get it together - for their sake, if not my own. 

Part of what drives me crazy is the constand repetitiveness of child rearing. Not just routines, but the ACTUAL repeating of everything you say. I can't stand it! So now, I don't do it. I have decided that I will say something X number of times, and then I'm done saying it. They can do what I say, or they can have the consequence of not listening (that looks different for Mia and Bella - usually no ipad, no tv, or no treats - I know, they live a hard life ;)). So simple. Why on earth did I not do this sooner. I must have been reading the wrong parenting books. Oh yea - I have 3 kids - I don't read unless it's a paper that tells me how many times my kid pooped that day.

• Know you're not alone

Last, but certainly not least - know that you are not alone. You just aren't. I'm here too. Most of us are.

So that's it. That's all I've got. I really hope that this is what someone else needs - because I know I could have used this sooner than I got it.

*there is no club. Its just me texting my friends to make sure my crazy isn't totally out of line with theirs.

Patrick "Paupie" Swindle, February 24, 1931 - December 13, 2015

Last Sunday, my grandfather, Paupie, passed away. For 15 years, he struggled with Parkinson's Disease, and the good Lord finally called him home. Our family is deeply saddened by the loss of the patriarch of our family. He was a kind man, a good man. And he is dearly missed. I was granted the privilege of being able to speak at his funeral. I thought I would share with you what this man meant to me....

I think looking around this room, it’s apparent that the man we are here to celebrate left a Godly legacy. You guys probably know him as Pat Swindle, or Bobbi’s husband, or Gary and Cary’s dad….If you know him really well you’ve probably heard him called “PAA-AAT!” at some point in time by my Grandmother. I know him as Paupie.

I don’t think that any of us can say that when we heard the news of Paupie’s passing we were surprised. Sad? Yes. But, surprised? No. Over the last few years the Paupie that we knew growing up was fading. The Parkinsons took hold at the end and stole his ability to communicate and move around freely. BUT even in the worst days, there were still glimmers of his sense of humor, and when he had visitors, his face lit up….even if it was just for a minute. But the last few years is not what my brothers and I will remember about Paupie. It’s not what we will tell our kids about our Grandfather.

My brothers and I have what we have come to realize is a rare relationship with our Grandparents. Our Grandparents live within a few miles of where we grew up. They never missed a birthday party, or dance recital or scout event, soccer game, graduation, wedding ….the list goes on. They were there. For all of it. When we were growing up, we spent every Saturday night at their house. For YEARS. And every Saturday night was special. Grandmother and Paupie both made it that way. And THAT is what we will tell our kids.

We’ll tell them about the time when Greg and Toby were young and they were playing in our grandparent's front yard. Paupie was chasing them both around spraying them with the water hose when he slipped and fell on the wet grass. The boys capitalized on his moment of weakness and grabbed the hose and started dousing him with water. As it turns out, Paupie had legitimately hurt himself, and despite his very real please for them to "Go get your Grandmother, boys!", they continued to laugh and soak him with the hose. I believe they eventually got Grandmother, and obviously he lived to tell about it. It’s one of those stories that comes up at all of the family get togethers,and no one told it better than Paupie.

We’ll tell them how cool it was that he had a motorcycle. I mean NO ONE’S Grandpa had a motorcycle! He would let the boys ride it with him around the block. Remember, that was back in the days where helmets were optional, and seatbelts were merely a suggestion, and people rode in the backs of pickup trucks just for fun. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to ride on the streets with him, but he would put me on the seat in front of him and back down the drive way and ride it back up…..and for me, it was the best ride ever. 30 years later, I remember it vividly.

We’ll tell our kids about Saturday nights. About the banana splits he made for us….sparing no expense on toppings; About staying up late and watching Saturday Night Live; About how he would camp on the floor in the living room and let us wrestle and climb all over him. About how he would lay on the floor with me and make up games that we would play for hours….I mean HOURS. My favorite, one he talked about during every visit I had with him until the very end, was flip cup. We would flip a dixie cup and keep score based on whether it landed on the small or large end. H-O-U-R-S we did this. And I’ve never had more fun.

We'll tell our kids about our Sunday lunches at Ponchos. Paupie would always carry me through the line so I could see over the counter, and then he would let me curl up in his lap when I was done.....even if he was still eating. And I know a Ponchos family favorite is the time when Greg decided to wipe his chili and cheese covered mouth on Paupie's freshly starched, stark white dress shirt....

Paupie laughed with us and played with us, and never seemed to tire of us being around. I think Grandmother said on many occasions that he was just like “one of the kids” and maybe she didn’t mean it in a complimentary way, but I can assure you, it was one of his best qualities as far as we were concerned.

I know we each have things that will forever remind of us Paupie. Cory will probably remember his Sunday morning trips to 7-11 with him to get the paper and his coffee. He’ll probably think of him every time he sees a roll of certs mints. Surely Greg will think of Paupie anytime he looks in the mirror, because of all of the Swindle boys, he looks most like him. Toby, whether he realizes it or not, has stepped in as Grandmother's caretaker, just like Paupie would have wanted it. And me....I’ll think of Paupie every time I smell instant coffee, or see snackwells devils food cookies at the grocery store, or eat a bologna sandwich.­­ I’ll think of him when I smell Aramis cologne or see an older gentleman sporting a 3 piece suit or suspenders on your average Wednesday. I'll remember Paupie sitting in his chair in the corner of his living room whenever I pick up a crossword puzzle, or a good book, or when I hear someone lighten a heavy mood with a perfectly timed and well delivered punch line. I think my mom said it best today - Paupie was a true gentleman. And those are just so rare.

No, none of us were surprised to hear he passed. We’re all sad that he’s not here with us anymore, but I feel like I can speak for us all, when I say that we are so relieved that he is the Paupie we remember now. He’s whole again. And now he’s home.

I have to tell you - there was a time that getting up in front of a room full of people to share memories that I would most definitely cry through would have been the last thing on my to-do list. I did it for my Paupie. He had a way of making you feel confident. He just loved so big. And he helped me through it. And I know he'll continue to help me through the hard things in  my life.

When I was writing this eulogy (of sorts) out, I could have gone on and on. And I just feel so lucky that I have so many memories with my grandfather. He was such an amazing man, and even though I know he's no longer here with us, I'm 100% positive that he's looking down on us and he'll be there waiting for us when we get to Heaven.

Baby #3: 17 weeks - How's it going?

Here we are, 17 weeks post baby #3 joining our world. And the question I most get from people who I haven't seen in a while is "How's it going?". Well, let me tell you....

First and foremost, "it" is complicated. Some days it goes really well.....other days it leaves much to be desired. The days that "it" goes well, I usually have 2-3 children who have slept entirely through the night, I am able to wake up and get ready without the "help" of my 2 yr old, and I manage to leave the house both on time and with each of the 14 bags I need to make it out the door with. (Ok, so maybe it's only like 5.....but it's still a very high bag to human ratio). When it goes well, I get all the kids into daycare and dropped off at their respective classrooms with little to no crying. I then am able to make it to work before 7:45. If it is going well, then I have also made it to work with my laptop and power cord, as well as my cell phone and lunch. There have been numerous days where on that front, "it" went very poorly. 

On days when it's going well, I workout on my lunch break, and still am able to leave work by 5 to make it to pick the kids back up from school. When "it" goes well, the kids get immediately into their carseats and the baby doesn't make a peep on the way home from school. I am able to get dinner on the table while the baby cat naps in his car seat, then get the girls into the bath while he plays and giggles. They don't fight me putting on their jammies and the baby doesnt have a breakdown immediately after I get him out of the bath. Once he's dressed, when it's going well, he takes a bottle, chills for a bit and goes to bed without so much as a peep, and remains ASLEEP until we get him up the next morning. After he goes down, Bella voluntarily goes into her room with me and she is out less than 10 minutes later. On nights where it's going really well, Mia entertains herself while I make dinner and goes to bed the first time I ask her to, without making 12 trips in and out of her room making random requests and driving me to the point of exacerbation. I am then able to enjoy a glass of wine, catch up with my hubs and get a full night of rest.

That's how it's going.....when "it" is good.

And then there are the other 5 days of the week.... ;)

1-3 of my children wake at random times, often ending up in our bed. Bella wakes crazy early and wants to be held or entertained while I get ready. She's busy squeezing all the toothpaste out or smashing crackers on the tile or soaking her sleeves with water in the sink, which I allow to happen so I can clothe myself and smear on some makeup to cover the bags under my eyes....The house looks like a tornado has hit it, but I dont have time to worry about it because I'm frantically running out the door because we're running late....again. I manage to get the kids loaded up and remember that I haven't made NIcky's bottles or packed my lunch. Dan entertains the girls in the car while I quickly fill bottles and try to throw together a salad. When I finally make it out of the garage, Mia immediately needs something....or so you would think from the 800 times she's already said "MOM!" When I finally acknowledge her, she is upset because she left her toy at home. It takes me the rest of the trip to daycare to calm her down and assure her, "we'll bring it tomorrow" and that the world is not, in fact, ending. I get the kids out of the car and the baby cries the second I put him down in his room, then Bella won't let go of me and I finally pry myself off her and leave the room with her hysterical. Mia won't let me leave her classroom without 10 hugs and kisses (which honestly I don't mind), but by the time I get out of the daycare and back to the car, I am right in the middle of rush hour traffic....and I remember that I've left my laptop at home.

I make the return trip home to get my laptop and am now late to work. I go to workout at lunch and have left my sports bra at home....again. I make a choice to move forward with my workout despite being ill-equipped because I'm not certain I'll make it back to the gym again that week. I get a project at 3:30 that is due before I leave resulting in me rushing out the door past 5 and pushing all the the evenings already tightly packed events back just a little further. I get the kids and the girls both want to put themselves into their car seats AND fasten their own seat belts. In case you were wondering, neither of them can accomplish this without my help....my help which they are refusing to accept. Fast forward  to 15 minutes later when we are backing out of the parking lot, all 3 children in full breakdown mode. We make it home and I get all the kids and my myriad of bags out of the car and into the house. Now, the dreaded dinner time....

I'll be honest, it doesn't matter what I make my kids for dinner, Bella won't sit long enough to eat it and Mia will slowly poke at it while singing songs and making silly faces which, while adorable at times, is rather annoying when bedtime hangs in the balance of my already thrown WAY off schedule. And let's be real, the dog is generally the recipient of the kids dinners so on nights when it's not going well, I pour a bowl of cereal and promise to myself "I'll do better tomorrow". 

We make it through dinner, the baby is now crying and Bella is usually crying and Mia is trying to convince me that it's a better idea to eat candy AND THEN take a bath. If I haven't given up on bath time by this point, I bathe the baby, then get the girls in the bathtub (usually forcefully and with threats to withhold sweets - bc I bribe my children when the situation calls for it). While they play/fight in the bathtub, I feed the baby while trying to shield him from the bath water flying out of the tub. Once he's done eating I chase Bella around trying to get her diaper and pjs on, and ask Mia 875 times to put hers on, then we make it to the playroom where I turn on a show for them, and go put the baby to bed. 

From here it's usually smooth sailing until it's Mias turn. When it's not going well, my requesting Mia to go brush her teeth results in a full meltdown as though I've asked her to remove all of her own teeth with pliers and bring them to me in a glass jar. When we survive that meltdown, and she realizes she can, in fact, keep her teeth.....she goes upstairs for a story and a snuggle. I pour myself a glass of wine and start dinner. 

I sit on the couch with my wine and my husband, and for whatever reason I tell myself.....it wasn't that bad ;)

So it's going.....good somedays and not so good others, but it's going. And for the adorable children who challenge me, and make me smile, and for my husband who supports me and doesn't judge me for drinking wine every night, I am thankful. 

Baby #3: 8 weeks - Life Lately

Well, I can hardly believe it, but baby boy turned 8 weeks old on Monday! Its so weird because it feels like he's been here forever, but it also feels like it's passed in a flash. My new little boyfriend is not much of a "napper" so this is gonna be a quick update...

What's going on with us now? Well, I think it's fair to say that the Joneses got their groove back ;) It's taken us a little time, and of course this is on the cusp of me returning to work full time (well, more on this in a bit....), so it will definitely be short-lived, but I believe we have made it out of "survival-mode" and we are thriving as a family of 5.

Me and little man spent the first 7 weeks of his life hanging at the house, napping, taking care of chores, visiting friends and family and just enjoying each other's company. I put the girls in part time daycare starting at 6 weeks post partum and so they were hanging with us Monday and Friday. We made it 1 week like that, and then I got a call.....My HR department called and asked if I would consider returning to work earlier than I had planned (10 weeks). They said they would take me in any capacity that I would consider returning. I thought about it a lot, and maybe I'm a weirdo, but I decided to re-enroll the kids in full time daycare and begin working from home "full"-time while keeping the baby with me. So, I'm back at it!

Now our days look a little different. Me and little man stay home most days. And during those days I still try to get the house work done in between responding to emails, working on reports, participating in conference calls and entertaining my hates-to-nap little one. It's been challenging, but thankfully the pressures of work have not been such that I feel overwhelmed....at least not more than I usually do. I will be working in office on Wednesdays until my original return date (so just this week and next) and on that day, my mother-in-law will keep Nicky for me. Tomorrow will be the first morning that all 5 of us will be leaving our house at the same time. Nervous does not begin to describe it.

But really, that's not what this post is about. Let's talk about this baby!

It's no secret he's my THIRD kid. And I have to keep reminding myself that because I am still trying to figure out why I feel like such a newbie! God is reminding me that he created each of us VERY different. I'm trying to think of what might be considered "pertinent" information, so I'll just start with the questions everyone seems to ask me when they see me again for the first time:

* Is he sleeping?

* How are the girls doing with him?

* Is he an easy baby?

* Are you still breastfeeding?

*Is he sleeping?

You know what? He is! We went 6 1/2 weeks of him waking every 3 hours. RARELY a 4 hour stretch. I was dying....and yes, I know it was only 6 1/2 weeks, but when you're not sleeping more than 2 hrs at a time, it's an eternity. I couldn't figure out why he hated me so much. And then I decided one night, out of desperation, to swaddle him - arms in. I was originally convinced that he *hated* his arms being pinned down, and you know what...maybe that's still the case, but at this point, his feelings about his arms don't concern me. I swaddled him and for the first time I got 4 1/2 hrs of sleep! he stayed overnight with my MIL at 7 weeks (yes, this is what you do with kid #3, ship them off for their first sleep over at 7 weeks old) and slept 5 1/2 hours for her!! Since then he is sleeping around 6-6 1/2 hours a night. THANK YOU GOD!!! He goes to bed around 9, wakes up between 3-4 to eat and then right back down until around 7. All I can say is - GAME. CHANGER.

* How are the girls doing with him?

Well I think I mentioned before that it was a rough transition for Bella. She really wasn't sure why we needed another baby in the house, afterall....SHE was our baby! But after her initial hesitation, she has really come around! She LOVES her baby brother :) She constantly wants to "hold him!" and *helps* me feed him bottles, and she's also nominated herself as being on "papi" patrol (that's what we call paci's in our house). Whether she's ripping it out of his mouth or shoving it in, she's got it. And Mia....my little mama <3 She's amazing with him. She loves him SO much. Like more than I could have ever imagined. I guess it was hard for me to understand her feelings towards him because I don't have younger siblings myself, but she really like GENUINELY loves him more than anything! She is the best at holding him and feeding him (also a kid #3 thing - my not quite 4 yr old is totally allowed to feed him totally on her own....because as much as I could use them, I do NOT have 6 hands). So, in short....the girls are doing AMAZINGLY with him. I could not be more proud :)

* Is he an easy baby?

Let's just get one thing straight.....there is no such thing as an "easy" baby. And if you think there is, you are clearly still sleep deprived or drunk. He is a good baby. He eats well, is gaining weight now, sleeping well, but he's not "easy". Because he's a baby. And babies aren't "easy". One thing that is very different from his sisters (and really everyone in our family) is that the child DOESN'T nap. I had no idea how good I had it with the girls. I feel like I am in a constant state of not-finishing-anything. Of course, as I type this, he is sleeping, but it will likely be the last/only of the day. And you know what, that's ok. It's challenging, but it's ok. He likes to be held a lot, and that works out for us sometimes because I really like holding him ;) But it also makes it a little harder to get things accomplished around the house. It probably contributes to my every 2-3 day showering schedule now, and I may or may not be wearing the same yoga pants I've worn for the last 3-4 days as well.....He's not easy, no. But he's awesome.

*Are you still breastfeeding?

No. No I'm not. I was so gung-ho at the beginning of this, then I was so beat down after he wasn't gaining weight and I had to nurse, pump, bottle feed, repeat 8 times a day.....that I introduced formula. And I haven't looked back since. I pumped and bottle fed him until last week, so he was at about 50% breastmilk, but due to time restraints, I began pumping/producing less and as of this weekend I started weening. It's a personal choice that I feel pretty good about until anyone asks me about it, and then mom-guilt sneaks in and I get down on myself....so let's just not talk about it ;)

So, that's about it. That's what's going on with us lately. The one other big thing I can think of is Nicky's smile :) He started smiling around 5 weeks, and now you can tell he can actually see you when he does it. I love it.....I forgot how much I love this phase. It's like collecting your paycheck from a year of work. And it's the best check ever!

I guess it wouldnt be one of my posts if I didn't update you on my status as well. I am feeling great actually. I have not been super active lately, mostly because the baby doesnt nap during the day, and it's ridiculous hot outside still, so running is tricky, I did begin training for my half marathon training. That's right, I'm training for training. In order to start the training, I have to be able to run 3 miles. At this point, I have run 2.4 miles as my farthest distance.....I WILL run 3 miles this week though. It's happening. I am signing up for the Dallas half in December, so we'll see how that goes. As of right now, I'm still 10lbs up from pre-pregnancy weight. I usually would be down on myself about that, but I am realizing that it's just my body. I will lose the weight like I always do and I will at some point fit back into pants that don't have an elastic waistband ;)

Here's a collage I put together from his newborn shoot. He's so tiny!

Nicky and Paupie :)

Mia is telling me that "Bella's too close to me!" Oh the irony....

We do this every night. She NEVER goes while sitting....but some day. *sigh*

hard to believe they're all mine.

Mama Mia and baby Nicky

Fishing with daddy on Labor Day

This was how i got her to stop screaming.....whatever it takes.

This Sweet Boy. Love him.

Chunking up!! Check out that cheesy smile!

Lounging on the lounger ;)

This is our setup while the girls bathe. Im ready to be able to toss him in with them!

Baby #3: 2 weeks post partum - HE'S HERE!

Well ladies and gentlemen.....He's here! Dominick "Nicky" Michael Jones joined our family on Monday, July 20, 2015 at 2:34PM. My tiny bundle weighed 6lb 11.5oz and was 19.5 inches long. He is perfect. Absolutely perfect. 

When we got back to the recovery room, I was holding my sweet angel and Dan and I were just watching and listening.....and we heard something all too familiar. Baby boy was having some breathing issues. He was making the same sounds Bella made just after she was born and just before she was admitted to the NICU. I was a nervous wreck. The last thing I wanted was for my baby to be admitted to the NICU. I wanted him to be with me! So, there I was, 2 hours post partum, alone in my room. Thankfully, Dan was able to be with him in the NICU while I was stuck in my bed in more pain than I ever dreamed possible. Our families and our babies came up to visit us, but no one got to see Baby Nicky that day. The girls weren't sure what to think. Bella was scared to see me hooked up to so many machines, but Mia was adorably loving, constantly holding my hand and giving me hugs. (She's such a nurturer, with such a sweet heart)

Once everyone left Dan and I were alone again. Dan made frequent trips down to see our son, and I had my first breakdown. I finally decided around midnight that I couldnt wait until the next morning to go see him. I had the nurses get me up (OUCH!) and I was strolled down to the NICU. There, the nurse advised me on his condition. She said his oxygen was good, but his respiratory rate was way faster than it should be. She said that often times they wouldn't let anyone hold them for fear that it would get faster, but I think she saw the pathetic look on my face and decided it would be ok.....So, she handed me my son and we sat. For over and hour. I held him and kissed him and watched the monitors.....over the course of the hour I was holding him, his respiratory rate slowed to normal and remained there. The nurse came over around 1:30am to put him back in his bed and before she took him she read the monitors. I'll never forget what she told me....."You fixed him!" Turns out, my Nicky needed a mommy snuggle just as much as I needed one from him. I'm not really sure who fixed who that night....

We were busy "fixing" each other in this pic <3

When I got back to my room, I felt 1 million times better. I was still in pain, but at least I knew he'd be back in our room soon.

First family photo

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This little boy is my super hero. He kept me active through my pregnancy and gave me strength I didn't know I had. Then he got here.....and just confirmed everything I had thought. He's amazing, and we are so happy he's here!

just lounging in his lounge wear ;) Anyone who knows Dan personally knows how appropriate this outfit is for our son

I left the hospital that Thursday. I was still in pain and just barely getting around. The kids came home that night and we spent our first night together as a family. Bella wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, but Mia ran to him and wanted to hold him all night. Since then, Bella has started to come around, and she even held him for the first time the other day. She always wants to help put his paci in or grab a diaper for me to change him, cover him up or rock him in his swing. We are so lucky that our girls are handling this so well.....

So, I am now 2 weeks post partum. Baby Nicky is doing well. He's eating about every 3 hours and mostly sleeps in between. He's not gaining weight as quickly as the doc would like despite my feeding him seemingly CONSTANTLY so I saw a lactation consultant yesterday and we now have an 8 million part plan that should put some weight on his bones in no time. I, in no way, feel overwhelmed by the 5 other steps I now have in addition to just nursing him. *insert sarcastic emoticon here*

Things at home are definitely "real" now. The kids seem to be settling back into their routines and sleeping pretty good at night. I can't say this has been an easy transition. Aside from going from 0 kids to 1, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I had a lot of people tell me that after 2 kids, it doesnt really get harder. I can tell you this.....they lied. Either that, or their kids were older than my 2 when #3 joined the picture. It's no joke. And it's certainly not for the faint of heart. We are surviving, but that's really it. I call the night a huge success when in a 3 hour period, no one has slammed a door and there hasn't been a complete breakdown by 2 (or more) of my children at the same time. I have yet to experience a breakdown-less night.....so I'm not even sure what that would feel like. 

As far as how I'm feeling....I am starting to feel less "night of the living dead"-y and more "Margaret"-y. I'm 13 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, but I feel pretty good about that at this stage in the game. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on Monday, and by that point, I'd like to be at least walking some during the week. My goal is to be pre-pregnancy weight by the time I go back to work.....ambitious I know....but so was working out 6 days a week until I was 36 weeks pregnant ;) I better see some pay off from that dammit! 

Here are some pics of our life lately. Hope you've enjoyed my last trek through pregnancy. I have to say, it was quite the journey and as glad as I am that I won't be doing it again, I'm sad it's over. Wait.....scratch that! I'm just glad he's on the outside of me now so I can kiss his cute face!

Nicky had just gotten back to our room, and we must have sat like this for HOURS. It's still his favorite spot to curl up.....and I can't complain. 

The girls got some new Princess gear from our Aunt Wendy :) You know, because you can NEVER have too much princess gear ;)

At night before bed, I'm nursing Nicky and both girls are snuggled up next to me. I'm so glad they like to be so close. Even in the moments where I need some space, I realize it's a blessing that they want to be near me. I hope it lasts!

Even my baby girl is coming around on the idea of keeping the new baby around ;)

My biggest asset holding her new baby brother. She already loves him so much!

He's still so tiny and wrinkly, but if he follows in his sisters footsteps when they were babies, he'll be a chunker in no time! :)

It took Bella almost 2 weeks, but she finally wanted to hold him, I think this was a pivotal moment for her acceptance of him. He is now allowed to stay ;)

I mean, seriously......how much cuter could she get?!?

This wonderful lady, that I call mom stayed with me during week 2 and helped with Nicky and the girls. We miss having her around during the day now :( We love our Grammy!

Mia wants to hold the baby....and Bella just wants to be where Mia is.

This is one of the first pics I have of his eyes! They're blue! :)

Baby #3: 38 Weeks - reflecting.

Today I am 38w5d pregnant. It's the Friday before my scheduled c-section. I decided that maybe I ought to take this one final opportunity and relax.....have some "me" time. So I'm currently sitting in my quiet living room with a cup of coffee, just thinking.....

What a ride this has been. I feel like this pregnancy has really taught me more about myself than any other. Maybe it's the "boy". Maybe it's the number. Maybe I'm just getting older. Who really knows. But for this experience, I'm thankful.

When I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, I was shocked. I could not wrap my brain around caring for another being. I felt overwhelmed and unsure of myself both as a mom and just as a sane, functioning person. Over the course of the last 38 weeks, a lot has changed. I feel like *this* baby has made me a better mom and a healthier woman.....but in no way a more sane person.

I feel like I spent a lot of time before feeling sorry for myself. I didn't have enough time or energy to do anything or be the mom/wife I wanted to be. I allowed myself to become lazy when it came to my health and well being, because I "deserved" a break and didn't have time to worry about that stuff. When I got pregnant, that gradually changed. I decided that this pregnancy wasn't going to be just another hindrance....another excuse. I wanted to feel empowered and I discovered through this baby boy, that a feeling of empowerment comes from within.

I dedicated myself to making healthier choices, staying active, making the most of the time with my kids (instead of just getting through it). I found myself wanting to be home rather than going out to have fun. I realized that what I have here, is pretty awesome. And while it feels SUPER overwhelming sometimes, there is still no place I'd rather be. I tried to remember to laugh when the kids did silly things, even if what they were doing was in complete disregard for my instruction. I tried to cherish my alone time with my husband more and relate to him on a level that didn't involve our kids.....because after all, when we fell in love, they weren't in the picture. I also poured myself into my work, because as it turns out, I really love my job and if I'm going to do something......I'm going to do it all the way. I realized that I can be a working mom and still be a good mom. I had to let go of some of my mom guilt and realize that as important as it is for a SAHM to be home with their kids, it was just as important for me to teach my kids the value in a strong work ethic (which I learned from both of my parents).

I won't lie. I've had an easy go of this. Part of that is genetic I'm sure.....but part of it was me. I think we all get a say in how we feel every day. And I think that more often than not, over the course of the last 38 weeks, I decided I was going to have a good day (even if at the end of the day all of the days events totally disagreed with my decision ;)).

So here I am, 4 days from meeting my baby boy. My #3, but my first little boy. I'm feeling calm and anxious. It's like my body is one big oxymoron. I am hyper aware of every contraction and every movement inside me. I have plans upon pans running through my head for every scenario that could arise between now and Monday. But....I'm ready.

To My Baby Boy:

Thank you. 32 years and I couldn't seem to get "it". But then you came along and it only took you 38 weeks to make this woman, a momma you can be proud of. I can't wait to meet you. I already think you're pretty amazing.

Love,
Mom, your biggest fan