I find it hard to believe that my last post was about the passing of my Paupie. Even harder to believe he's been gone over 6 months now. I wish I could say that my life has been boring and that's why I've been MIA. Or that I was just so busy KILLING it at momming that I couldn't find the time between making gourmet organic snacks for my children and working with the baby on speaking French.....but that's just not the case.
I've been busy.........trying to survive.
I have officially lived through the hardest year of my life. And I spent a good majority of it thinking that I was absolutely, 100% drowning. I think most people see my posts on facebook about funny things my kids say, or silly pictures of me capturing moments that I genuinely don't want to forget.....but between all that, I'm just trying to make it through the day.
There is a lot of pressure on moms these days to do it all. Because, let's be real - we are AMAZING. And on facebook, we're posting pictures of our shining moments....because that's what you do. So here we all are - sitting behind our smartphones thinking - "Man, she's really got it all together!" Well guess what? Sally SuperMom is struggling just as much as you and I are. At least the ones in the mom club I attend.*
So I had a moment of clarity as I was staring up from under the water thinking to myself - well it's happened, motherhood has killed me - I NEED HELP! It sort of came out of nowhere when I was rushing out of the house with all three kids - all of them breaking down, tearing the house apart, asking for things - can I have a snack? You put my shoes on! Will you brush my teeth? Can I squeeze this lotion?? *as lotion comes flying out of the container onto the child and surrounding floor* - I'm yelling at my husband who is yelling right back at me, the kids don't want to get in their carseats....oh and it's freaking 1 million degrees out......
After I left the house my husband sent me a text and asked me - Are you ok??
My response sort of even surprised me - No. I'm not.
I think sometimes you have to completely break before you can start fixing yourself again. And I was there. Broken. Completely overwhelmed with my own life.
So I was just on the other side of my first year as a mom of 3. I had survived countless sleepless nights, juggling work and doctor visits because I'm pretty sure there was a full 3 month period where we didn't miss a week at the pediatrician's office, potty training, sleep training and just barely holding on by a thread to relationships that meant the most to me....and I was not ok.
.......but I'm getting there now.
I'm definitely no expert, but I thought maybe it would be helpful to share some of the things that I've learned so far.
- It's ok to admit you can't do it all
MOMS! IT'S REALLY OK! Not doing it all does not mean that you are failing as a mom. It only means that you are, despite your children/husbands beliefs, HUMAN. And just ONE human at that!
I had to take a look at my life and decide what I could eliminate from my "chore list". I needed space in my life. I needed to declutter. For me, that looked like hiring a cleaning person to come to our house every other week. It's something I had been opposed to because "Why pay someone when I can clean my house for FREE?" well, let me tell you, that gave me back 3 hours of my life a week. And that to me was priceless. I also started grocery shopping online. It is the greatest thing EVER! I now put in my order when I the kids or napping, or I'm watching TV at night and then I pick it up the next day. Game. Changer. I also took the self imposed pressure off myself to be so rigid at night with the kids. If they didn't bathe every night, who cares?! Before my adherence to the strict schedule of my own making was thought to ensure my sanity - and instead - it was making me crazy!
I realize these exact things may not be applicable in your life, but figure out what you can get rid of to get some of your life back - and then just do it!
- It's OK to ask for help
This was a first step for me actually. I decided to go see a therapist. Admitting that I could not manage my own thoughts and anxiety was a hard step for me.....but it may be the single best step I made. If you are considering it at all, I recommend trying it out. Despite some beliefs, it is not admitting you are weak.....it takes a strong person to recognize a problem and do whatever it takes to fix it (I may have stolen these words from someone I see weekly now ;)).
I also asked for help from my husband. It turns out, he is NOT a mind-reader. If your husband is, then you can skip this step, because he already knows what you need. I had to verbalize to mine that I needed time. For myself. By myself. Regularly. It is still a work in progress - but it's IN PROGRESS.....which is further than we were before.
- Find your "you" time
During my first appointment with my therapist she asked me "what's going on?".....and I just broke down. Everything. Everything is going on. All the time. And I can't breathe. She told me that it sounded like I was taking care of everyone - but myself. I'm not sure why this shocked me, but it did.
Moms, we need a break. We need to know we have down time coming - whatever that looks like for you and whenever and however often you need it. But you need it. You have to take care of yourself, because they need us - and we can't be the best "us" without taking care of ourselves.
- Create boundaries - and stick to them
Another thing that my therapist hit on immediately was how I didn't seem to have any boundaries. Not at home with my kids, and not at work. I need boundaries. I need space to feel safe, and space that I know how to manage.
Short back story - anxiety and I do not mesh well together. I'm an angry-anxious person. I'm short fused and irritable. I was seeing myself yelling at my kids, and then seeing my kids yelling at each other - and I knew I had to do something. I had to get it together - for their sake, if not my own.
Part of what drives me crazy is the constand repetitiveness of child rearing. Not just routines, but the ACTUAL repeating of everything you say. I can't stand it! So now, I don't do it. I have decided that I will say something X number of times, and then I'm done saying it. They can do what I say, or they can have the consequence of not listening (that looks different for Mia and Bella - usually no ipad, no tv, or no treats - I know, they live a hard life ;)). So simple. Why on earth did I not do this sooner. I must have been reading the wrong parenting books. Oh yea - I have 3 kids - I don't read unless it's a paper that tells me how many times my kid pooped that day.
- Know you're not alone
Last, but certainly not least - know that you are not alone. You just aren't. I'm here too. Most of us are.
So that's it. That's all I've got. I really hope that this is what someone else needs - because I know I could have used this sooner than I got it.
*there is no club. Its just me texting my friends to make sure my crazy isn't totally out of line with theirs.
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