Here's the thing. I like the person I am. I think I'm a good mom. I think I could be a better wife, but I also feel like I make an effort pretty regularly to show my husband that I love him without actually saying it. I am not a great aunt, despite wanting to be and having an amazing SIL who is a shining example of what a "great" aunt is. I strive to be a good friend, though often I feel like I miss the mark there too. I eat too much chocolate and drink too much wine. I prioritize working out at night over family time occasionally, and that's generally related to my unhealthy self image. I am on fb and instagram too much and I often find myself thinking in captions - or even worse - hashtags *GASP*. I take on more than I can handle at work.....and then I b!tch that I'm undervalued.
In short. I'm a woman. And I'm human.
Sometimes I forget that it's ok to be both of those things. And sometimes I let that get me down.
Surely I'm not the only one who wants to be good at everything. All the time. I want to make memories with my kids daily. I want my husband to rave about how lucky he is to have such an attentive wife. I want to have girls' night with my friends bi-weekly.....while simultaneously not missing moments with my kids. I want to not feel guilty about needing time away....and taking it. I want to learn to say 'No' at work when I have too much on my plate, without feeling that my job will be at stake (because, in truth, I know it won't). I want my nieces to want to call and tell me about cool things that are happening with them because they know that I care...and they know because of some meaningful conversation we've had or special outing we've been on. I want to put my phone down when my kids are around and focus JUST on them. I want to not care how many people 'like' my fb posts or read my blog. But I can't......because I'm a woman. And I'm human.
What I really REALLY want......is to just be ok with it. And not just *SAY* I'm ok with it.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant. And I feel it. I had a good run with the "I'm feeling great and can't wait to go run 3 miles tonight when I get home while pushing a double stroller and walking the dog with freshly baked paleo cookies in the oven and dinner already waiting for us in the crock pot" posts. But now, I'm pregnant. And I'm over it. All of it. I still could not be more thrilled to meet this baby boy and if him playing kickball with my organs is any indication of his wanting to meet me, then I will assume the feeling is mutual.
Now my focus has changed. Shit's about to go down in my house in about 8.5 weeks (hopefully), and this momma needs to get her reality in check. For the first time in my life I am trying to learn to just be OK with being OK at everything. Because at this point in time.....there is not anything I'm exceeding at. For real. What I am trying to do now is set realistic goals. I am trying to be real. I am going to stop scouring pinterest for blogs written by "Super-Moms" and just focus on the little things. You know, like when you make a "To-Do List" and then you add "Create to-do list" on the list just so that you can mark something off immediately....yea, that. I am trying to do that.
For now, my one goal is - PATIENCE. I am trying to be more patient with my kids. I don't get a ton of time with them during the week, and this week, I have been lacking in the patience department for the few hours I have at home with them at night. It's no secret that Bella broke her leg a few weeks ago. Well, for me, this meant adapting to having a child who could walk, no longer be able to walk. She could crawl, but really preferrred to be carried. All. The. Time. The night before our appointment to get this huge hinderance removed, she takes off running....cast on. In my mind, once the cast comes off, I'll be chasing this kid around. I literally could not have been more wrong. She now has a leg free from restraint, but due to the limited mobility for the last 3 weeks, she can't/won't/doesn't want to put any pressure on it. Back to carrying "Her Highness" around. Over it. I should be sympathetic, because that's what mom's are supposed to do. I have a huge amount of mom-guilt for wanting my child to suck it up and walk on the DAMN thing already! But I do. I want her to walk. And I know she'll get there, and I know I wouldn't take off running on a newly uncasted leg either. My patience, you see, is lacking. Severely.
Let's add to that. Mia makes requests for dinner almost nightly. I genuinely try to appease if at all possible. So far, of the 4 nights I've made her what she requested, she's thrown it up twice (voluntary gag reflex) and just flat not eaten it once. We are at 25% for the week. Over it.
I can sit here and casually gab about how "over it" I am. But in reality, when I am "over it", I don't express myself gracefully. So.....that's it. That's what I'm working on. Patience. That's my baby step. Once I have gotten my patience in check, I will both decide what the second thing on my list is, and try to work on it until I'm satisfied that it's fulfilled.
Baby steps.
Speaking of babies. I have one. Growing inside me. He's intense, this one, with the kicking and punching of the organs. But he's already pretty cool. And because he's so cool. We decided to finish his nursery. We are getting the last piece for his room today! Then I'll post pics :) I have really had so much fun decorating for our little man. Such a dramatic difference than when I was setting up the girls stuff! In fact, there's not a single ruffle in his whole space. Imagine that ;)
So that's it. That's my truth. And here's my belly - 31w5d of little dude in there. I get a sono on Monday and can't wait to see how big he's measuring!
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