Baby3 13w4d: We're Having A.....

Well the news is in. The Joneses are welcoming a Baby BOY this summer!

Despite me KNOWING this baby was another girl....my mother's instinct was off. We could not be more thrilled to be adding a baby boy to our (no so) little family! We are working on names now, which are WAY harder than girl names.....

So now that the BIG news is out, let me take some time to let you into my scary, worries-to-much, overthinks everything, mom-guilt ridden brain.....

Let's talk about what baby #3 means. The gender of the baby certainly doesn't have anything to do with the myriad of questions flooding our brains from the moment we found out. I mean, how does it work....logistically? How much is daycare for 3 kids? I've researched - it's A LOT! Is it more than I make after insurance and tax? It's close. Is it worth going to work and literally not bringing home ANY money? Debatable. BUT....if I stay home, Dan will take a pay cut to cover our "new", crappy insurance - that we, in fact, use very regularly. We would be out of pocket any childcare expenses we do have....and we WOULD/WILL have childcare expenses regardless of our decision regarding me working. Patience.....Sanity.......Free Time.....ME Time......all if it will be gone. Work or no work. But in a sense I also feel I'm being granted the chance for something pretty amazing here. I am being given the choice to watch my babies grow up. And not from a video monitor from 8 feet up and 40 feet away sitting at my work desk and trying to peek in between bites of my lunch.....but up close. I mean......I feel like I should be questioned as a mom for passing something like that up. That's my big struggle. Why is this such a hard decision for me? Does it make me a TERRIBLE mom for having to think twice about getting to spend every day with my children??

Right now, here's where I'm at. I currently have a job that I like as much or more than anyone that I know likes their job. I don't love it, but I don't dread going. I feel like I am valued as an employee and a person. I have been able to enhance my skills and marketability many times over through the opportunities my company has provided me. I have a great deal of flexibility and a boss who is completely sympathetic to my plight as a working mom. I am able to work from home if need be and I am generally not SO BUSY that I work more than 40 hours a week. And I have really decent insurance coverage. It's not a bad gig.

But do you know what else isn't a bad gig?? Not having to rush out the door every morning. Not worrying that if my kid is sick I will miss a deadline or let something (far less important) fall through the cracks. Not rushing to pick my kids up at night and then try to make the most of our 2-3 hours together before we all crash out from the sheer exhaustion of the day (a day we spent apart). Not trying to cram all of our fun AND cleaning/house work into 2 (VERY SHORT) days at the end of the week. That sounds pretty good too.

Here's the kicker though, neither of these jobs is easy. There are definitely desirable aspects of both, but I cannot say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't regret giving up my job....OR passing up an opportunity to be with my kids. And you don't have to tell me that I can find a job, but will never again get this time with my kids.....you don't. I know.

So, what do we do? Well, the answer is.....I don't know. And maybe that makes me a bad person. It certainly does in my brain. But now it's out there. It's how I feel. Completely uncertain and overwhelmed with (to be honest) first-world problems. Poor me. Yea....I don't feel sorry for me either.

Do you know something I AM certain of?? We're going to have another baby. Our first baby BOY! An awesome baby who smells like Johnson&Johnson lotion and who I can dress up in ridiculous outfits and tote around in a car seat for months on end. One I get to snuggle and see smile for the first time....one that will eventually call me 'Mama'....now THAT  is pretty cool. Sort of makes the other stuff not matter right now.

Enough with all the whining.....let's talk about the whin-ERS :) Mia is 3 going on 15. She has, overnight, turned into this "mommy-pleaser" (at her own discretion, but more often than before). She wants to help me with EVERYTHING. She needs constant reassurance that she's doing OK and that I'm proud of her....and I always am. She has decided recently that she is terrified to be alone in her bedroom at night, so she has taken up sleeping on the couch. I don't even have the energy to fight it. I really don't. As long as she's not in my bed, I just keep telling myself - she won't do it forever! Dear God, let that be true. Bella is 14 1/2 mo and full on walking now, and running, and getting into EV-ER-Y-THING! Seriously. Everything. She has started listening and following instructions too though! This would probably be more useful to me if I didn't have to spend all my time telling her to put all my stuff back in my vanity or all the cups back in the cabinet or all of Mia's panties back in her drawer....but hey, she's still got that killer smile, which makes that stuff easier to swallow ;)

As for me, aside from the inner turmoil, I'm doing well. I'm 13w4d pregnant I don't really feel it. I think reality will hit when I can't button my pants. It's coming.....I know it's coming.

I'd love to post more pics, but I generally don't have any on my computer, so if you want to keep up with the Joneses in that sense, follow me on instagram: http://instagram.com/maggi507/