Hello friends. I'm back. I have several posts at mind so not sure where this one will fall in the scheme of things, but its certainly something that's weighing on me lately. I'm not sure why all of a sudden, but it just is....I'm struggling. In life. With EVERYthing.
Do you ever feel like you are just barely getting by in every aspect of your life? Like you're too busy to do anything "right"? Like you're so tired all the time, but the only time you have to yourself is at night, so you stay up even though you know you'll only be more tired the next day? Like just when you think your 6 mo old is at the brink of sleeping 10 hrs a night, she gets an ear infection that lasts 3 FREAKING weeks and totally throws a monkey wrench into the "regular" sleep you were getting. And then the nights that your 6 month old decides to sleep 10 hrs, your toddler decides she is going to wake SCREAMING multiple times, and then does it every night for the rest of the week as well. I'm struggling, ya'll. Like big time.
I'm working at least 45 hours a week and still busy to the point where I forget I have to pee while I'm there. I rush to daycare because I feel guilty about how long my kids spend there, then rush home, because if I don't get Mia's dinner on the table before her inevitable "poop sesh" in the bathroom, then she won't eat at all. Then I rush to get both kids bathed and in jammies so that I can get Bella in bed before Mia goes down so that I dont have to try and LITERALLY be two places at once. Then I rush to clean up the house so my husband doesnt think a natural disaster has struck our living room, and God forbid I eat before 9:30 PM. I'm just rushed.***
Meanwhile, I'm short with my toddler because, well....she's 2 and knows it all. I can't ask her to do something that she immdediately agrees to, like....ever. I feel like I'm missing milestones with the baby and feel guilty that I dont work every night on trying to get her to sit up and say "mama" or "dada" or really anything.....And let's not even get started on keeping up with anyone who doesn't actually LIVE at my house....
I'm not the only mom of two who works. I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here. I just need to know I'm not crazy. Is this one of those things, like bringing home newborn #2, that is insurmountably hard at the beginning, then it gets easier? Will I ever feel like I am not in a state of trying not to drown??
I guess I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. At one point I was SURE I wanted to be a SAHM. I knew it. But then I did that, and as much as I loved being present for EVERY milestone, I felt like I was missing part of myself....the part that went to work and interacted with people who didn't wear diapers. But now, I'm back at work and having the exact opposite problem. I am missing it ALL! I went in to Boo's room the other morning and she was on her back (back story-she sleeps on her stomach, and has been able to roll from her back to her stomach for some months now, but to my knowledge still was unable to roll the other way).....this was HUGE! I was all grins when I proudly told the daycare teacher her "new" talent. She was not nearly as surprised as I was, mainly because Boo had been rolling that way for at least a week. Missed it. Mom guilt. Is there some happy medium that I'm totally missing? I like my job for the most part. It pays ok. It has pretty decent benefits, is close to home and flexible if I have to be out with sick babies. But I like being a mom too and all the stuff that comes with it. Can you be successful at your job and hugely successful at being a mom without feeling crazy?? Is there a book? I need it.
Silver lining I guess is that in all of the ways that it counts, I'm doing enough to not permanently scar my kids. Bella is laughing, putting her own paci in and out, eating solids (veggies), drinking 6 oz of milk 5ish times a day, scooting around and smiling ALL THE TIME. She had her 6 mo visit last week and she is growing like a weed. in the 75-80% on height and weight. Mia is officially potty trained, doesn't cry (for as long) at night when she poops....and she actually does that now almost nightly. She recognizes some letters and numbers, knows the months of the year, days of the week and ALL of the words to the Frozen song (because I'm pretty sure that indicates some developmental marker). They are both amazing, and thriving. They make the tired seem worth it. I just hope that when they look back they don't see me as some grump who rushed them through dinner and bath time, and instead they see that I was just trying to soak up the time I had and make most of the nights and weekends.
So, that concludes this month's hour of therapy. Next topic......WEIGHT LOSS! Stay tuned....
***In case you are wondering I am still married. He works very long hours, but is VERY present on weekends. If he is able to get home before Mia goes to bed, he takes that on (not always an easy task). I'm sure if he blogged, he would have one post about how hard it is to miss everything too......
I think what you are feeling is VERY normal! I have many friends who work outside the home who feel the same way about missing things. But like you said, your kids are still happy and they will definitely not remember this age. Having a 2 yr old is EXTREMELY hard...sometimes I think there is no possible way I'm supposed to raise my own the right way without scarring him from yelling or being short with him. Add a newborn and I'd say it's pretty okay you're feeling this way. I don't work outside the home, but working at home makes me have those feelings you were mentioning in the beginning and then I feel bad. I never feel like I'm doing is right, but I think it's a phase and I definitely think this phase of parenthood is EXHAUSTING! I don't care what parents with older kids say, wiping your kidS butts everyday and mentally dealing with tantrums is HARD (just to name a couple)! I feel like my friends with kids 4+ have calmed down a bit. :) You're a good mama!
ReplyDeleteThanks Olivia :) I feel like a BIG part of it is the sleep factor, you know you feel like you can rule the world with enough sleep....even in the midst of a toddler tantrum ;) I see my nieces who are older and know in my heart it gets better, but sometimes hard to see in the thick of it, ya know?? I can't wait to see your newest little man! I love keeping up with you and your fam on your blog, and for the record, I know that being a WAHM is a crazy job.....but you are doing a bang up job :) It's moms like you that make me wish I were at home again!
DeleteI promise you, you are not alone! I call it the SKSC or second kid six month curse. I had a very hard time around 6 months with Logan and Evan and I felt like I was failing miserably on all counts of life. It took me about 10 months to get my sea legs with two kids, work, hubby, friends, and life in general. It does get better and pretty soon you will start to get some "me" time back. Until then, know you are doing an amazing job! The fact that you recognize this stage and worry about your babies shows what a good mom you are! Hang in there momma!
ReplyDeleteThanks Robyn, that is encouraging to know it does get easier, and that I dont need to be committed ;) I'm going to be waiting for month 10! I have to tell you, i LOVE reading your blog. You are so upbeat about even the bad days, it's so nice to know that even the best have days that seem like the worst. You are doing an amazing job with your boys!! Maybe sometimes when I get it together, we can get together, just us moms ;)
DeleteAw, thanks Margaret! That really means a lot ot me! Especially since sometimes I don't feel so positive about this parenting thing! I would LOVE to get together with you! We can set up a play date or leave the kiddos at home and catch up on life in general! xoxoxo
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