36 weeks - growing and evolving

Hello again, all. Today i am 36w3d pregnant. I try to post regularly-ish, but I also try to limit posts to ones that are thought through.....or even if not thought all the way through, at least have been at the forefront of my brain for some amount of time. Posts often follow days that are exceptionally good or bad, but this post is really more of a realization I've arrived at. I think it evolved from the culmination of exceptionally good and bad days.....and all the others in between. 

Realization: I'm a good mom. I don't do everything right. I don't have enough patience all the time. I have bad days....really bad days.....where I feel like I'm failing. But all in all, I'm a good mom.

Here's why: because I'm willing to grow and evolve. I learn from my mistakes (my MANY mistakes). I don't let the bad days define me. Because I love my baby. 

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I have never been a person to have aspirations to become a doctor or lawyer or make millions of dollars. I always just knew that my purpose was to have a baby and be a mom. I guess I thought that since being a mom was what I was "supposed" to do, that it would come as second nature to me. In some ways I guess it did. I managed to give birth. My body produced milk. I figured out the breast feeding thing. I made it through sleep deprivation and my child came out relatively quickly on the other side a 12+ hr/night sleeper with a good temperament and a healthy appetite. But those things happen. What I wasn't prepared for was how to deal with month 6 where I'm pretty sure my child didn't stop crying. Ever. How to handle public breakdowns without completely breaking down myself.....or avoiding the public altogether. How to manage a new job working full time and juggling the germs that accompany a child's first exposure to daycare. I didn't know how hard it would be to maintain my marriage AND keep my child and myself  happy. And it was hard. All of it. I made it, and I'm probably no worse for the wear, but it was not a graceful transition into motherhood. 

The other night as I rocked Mia to sleep, I realized that I suddenly felt like I was getting it. Yes, she's been pretty easy recently so that could be a false sense of confidence I was feeling. And it is even possible that so close to my due date I was trying to convince myself that things were going to be ok. Or maybe I'm just growing......

With baby 2 so close on the horizon I feel like for the first time in my "career" as a mom I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I'm in control. I'm going into this venture into 'mommy of two' land eyes wide open. Now, I am not implying that I have "IT" figured out. No way. But what I do know is that I don't HAVE to have it figured out. And I think that's what I was missing before. 

So there you have it. Maybe my 'calm before the storm' moment. Maybe I'm just evolving. Maybe it's just gas.....who really knows these days ;-)

Well had my first weekly doc visit and turns out we're already making some progress. Yay! Next appt is Thursday so ill try to post again next week. Lord knows I have plenty to catch up on.....realizations aside.

Until my next thought.....

36 weeks

35 weeks

So today I'm 35 weeks pregnant. I guess that's like 8 months pregnant.....feels like 6 years. Since my last post I'm thrilled to report that our good days have far out weighed the bad in the toddler department. I guess life has a way of evening out because in the 'feeling like a whale' department I have had far more bad days since last posting. I guess 5 weeks in pregnant world equals exponential discomfort in preparation for the ultimate 'discomfort' at the end of this ride. 

I have been to the doc twice since 30 weeks. At 32 weeks my doctor was concerned that I might be at risk for pre-term labor because of the amount of contractions I was having. She performed a series of tests and the results were.....well I'm still pregnant. I was having the same kind/quantity of contractions just before my last visit, but alas.....still pregnant. I stopped keeping track of the contractions as now I know what I'm looking for. The contractions I was having were Braxton hicks as I mostly felt them at the top of my uterus. I have since had some very real contractions but luckily not at predictable intervals for any amount of time. While I am extremely exhausted with pregnancy, and feel overwhelmed with tired. I know what I am feeling is perfectly normal, but I just can't seem to recall this part of the pregnancy the first go round. One huge difference that is notable is that Bella seems to be sitting so much lower than Mia ever did. I remember having a hard time breathing after I ate, and this time, a baby presence under my rib cage is not at all an issue. As nice as this is, it certainly comes with counter issues. For example, I am pretty sure that in the 8 hours I was at work yesterday there was not even a 5 minute period of time that I did not have to pee just a little bit. And I'm not sure how I worked it, but my desk is possiblyTHE furthest from the restroom in our whole office. I may as well be wearing a bell to alert every desk I pass that I'm headed to the can.....yet again. But, enough with the dramatics.....as a whole (a ginormous whole) I'm good. 

I have every intention on updating again next week with more of the goings on after my first weekly appointment. I am fully prepared to be told I am making no progress, but will certainly welcome with much relief any new to the contrary. In the meantime, please keep me in your prayers as we enter this last month of pregnancy. Pray for a healthy baby girl, a painless transition from a family of 3 to one of 4......and for some sort of relief for the crazy allergies I seem to be able to find no relief from.

Here are some pics to catch you up until next time.....

31weeks

This says 33, but I was a little ahead of myself, it's 32 weeks

THIS is 33 weeks

34 weeks

35 weeks

And some from the amazing shower my besties threw me :-)

And some from Margaret's visit, I can't tell you how it melts my heart to see her and Mia play :-)

And finally, our precious baby girl checking out all the bugs in our yard :-)