Baby #3: 31 weeks - My truth.

Brace yourself, this is real talk.....

Here's the thing. I like the person I am. I think I'm a good mom. I think I could be a better wife, but I also feel like I make an effort pretty regularly to show my husband that I love him without actually saying it. I am not a great aunt, despite wanting to be and having an amazing SIL who is a shining example of what a "great" aunt is. I strive to be a good friend, though often I feel like I miss the mark there too. I eat too much chocolate and drink too much wine. I prioritize working out at night over family time occasionally, and that's generally related to my unhealthy self image. I am on fb and instagram too much and I often find myself thinking in captions - or even worse - hashtags *GASP*. I take on more than I can handle at work.....and then I b!tch that I'm undervalued.

In short. I'm a woman. And I'm human.

Sometimes I forget that it's ok to be both of those things. And sometimes I let that get me down.

Surely I'm not the only one who wants to be good at everything. All the time. I want to make memories with my kids daily. I want my husband to rave about how lucky he is to have such an attentive wife. I want to have girls' night with my friends bi-weekly.....while simultaneously not missing moments with my kids. I want to not feel guilty about needing time away....and taking it. I want to learn to say 'No' at work when I have too much on my plate, without feeling that my job will be at stake (because, in truth, I know it won't). I want my nieces to want to call and tell me about cool things that are happening with them because they know that I care...and they know because of some meaningful conversation we've had or special outing we've been on. I want to put my phone down when my kids are around and focus JUST on them. I want to not care how many people 'like' my fb posts or read my blog. But I can't......because I'm a woman. And I'm human.

What I really REALLY want......is to just be ok with it. And not just *SAY* I'm ok with it.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant. And I feel it. I had a good run with the "I'm feeling great and can't wait to go run 3 miles tonight when I get home while pushing a double stroller and walking the dog with freshly baked paleo cookies in the oven and dinner already waiting for us in the crock pot" posts. But now, I'm pregnant. And I'm over it. All of it. I still could not be more thrilled to meet this baby boy and if him playing kickball with my organs is any indication of his wanting to meet me, then I will assume the feeling is mutual.

Now my focus has changed. Shit's about to go down in my house in about 8.5 weeks (hopefully), and this momma needs to get her reality in check. For the first time in my life I am trying to learn to just be OK with being OK at everything. Because at this point in time.....there is not anything I'm exceeding at. For real. What I am trying to do now is set realistic goals. I am trying to be real. I am going to stop scouring pinterest for blogs written by "Super-Moms" and just focus on the little things. You know, like when you make a "To-Do List" and then you add "Create to-do list" on the list just so that you can mark something off immediately....yea, that. I am trying to do that.

For now, my one goal is - PATIENCE. I am trying to be more patient with my kids. I don't get a ton of time with them during the week, and this week, I have been lacking in the patience department for the few hours I have at home with them at night. It's no secret that Bella broke her leg a few weeks ago. Well, for me, this meant adapting to having a child who could walk, no longer be able to walk. She could crawl, but really preferrred to be carried. All. The. Time. The night before our appointment to get this huge hinderance removed, she takes off running....cast on. In my mind, once the cast comes off, I'll be chasing this kid around. I literally could not have been more wrong. She now has a leg free from restraint, but due to the limited mobility for the last 3 weeks, she can't/won't/doesn't want to put any pressure on it. Back to carrying "Her Highness" around. Over it. I should be sympathetic, because that's what mom's are supposed to do. I have a huge amount of mom-guilt for wanting my child to suck it up and walk on the DAMN thing already! But I do. I want her to walk. And I know she'll get there, and I know I wouldn't take off running on a newly uncasted leg either. My patience, you see, is lacking. Severely.

Let's add to that. Mia makes requests for dinner almost nightly. I genuinely try to appease if at all possible. So far, of the 4 nights I've made her what she requested, she's thrown it up twice (voluntary gag reflex) and just flat not eaten it once. We are at 25%  for the week. Over it.

I can sit here and casually gab about how "over it" I am. But in reality, when I am "over it", I don't express myself gracefully. So.....that's it. That's what I'm working on. Patience. That's my baby step. Once I have gotten my patience in check, I will both decide what the second thing on my list is, and try to work on it until I'm satisfied that it's fulfilled.

Baby steps.

Speaking of babies. I have one. Growing inside me. He's intense, this one, with the kicking and punching of the organs. But he's already pretty cool. And because he's so cool. We decided to finish his nursery. We are getting the last piece for his room today! Then I'll post pics :) I have really had so much fun decorating for our little man. Such a dramatic difference than when I was setting up the girls stuff! In fact, there's not a single ruffle in his whole space. Imagine that ;)

So that's it. That's my truth. And here's my belly - 31w5d of little dude in there. I get a sono on Monday and can't wait to see how big he's measuring!

Baby #3: 28 weeks - Bella's Boo Boo

What. A. Week.

Today I'm 28w5d pregnant. Things had been going smoothly. I was even starting to think maybe they were going a little too smoothly. Thankfully *sarcastic font* reality has set in.

On Sunday, the weather was perfect. Dan was mowing the lawn and I decided I would cement my nomination for Mother of the Year by taking my two little darlings for a walk to the park. Bella's finally at an age where she's able to climb up by herself (a must for this super preggo mama) and even go down the slide on her booty (as opposed to the previously preferred method of diving head first). Mia has been able to maneuver for some time....now she is quite the gymnast when it comes to climbing up and shimmying down the ladders and climbing walls (still scares the crap out of me watching her though....). We got to the park, the kids were happy, it was sunny. All was right with the world.

Then, I had a brilliant idea.

See, we had moved from the school playground to a park playground located directly behind it. The equipment was bigger and mostly not geared towards the littles. Mia was still able to withstand her rockstar status, but Bella was more limited as to what she could do. Well since this gear was a little bigger, I figured (you know, just to MAKE SURE the committee knew I was serious about my nomination) I would take Bella down the '"big girl" slide one time before we headed back to the house. It was, in theory, a perfect idea. Halfway down, however, something happened.

Bella's leg slid off my big mama thigh and got stuck between my leg and the side of the slide and twisted up and back some. It seemed like it was only for a split second, but I knew it hurt her. At the time, I had no idea how badly though....

When we reached the bottom of the slide there were already tears streaming from her face....mind you, the child can produce tears more quickly than my husband can fall asleep once his head hits the pillow.....it's a feat. Trust me. Knowing this, I can't gauge her pain level based on tears alone. Now the screaming.....the screaming had me a little concerned. I quickly examined her leg. No marks on ankle or knee. No bruising. No swelling. But so much screaming. So. Much. Screaming. I had done everything in the mom handbook and still.....screaming. I loaded the kids up and headed back to the house. Now, this park is not across the street. We walked a good 10-15 minutes to get there. So Mia and I listened to our poor baby scream the whole way home.

My nomination is slipping.

Once we got home, I picked her up and was able to console her and get her to calm down. She seemed hesitant about being put down though, I only assumed she was tired....and that her leg was still sore from the incident. I explained to Dan what happened and then I put her down for a nap. She was asleep immediately.....no crying. *Phew* Surely it was ok.

She woke up a couple hours later and I went in to check on her. I noticed she wasn't standing in her crib like she normally would be. I assumed her leg was still a little sore. I brought her downstairs and decided maybe I should test it out.....see the extent of the "damage". She wouldn't stand on it at all. And walking - not having it. Crying though.....there was crying for sure. I told Dan I thought I should take her to the ER to get it looked at.

Nomination.....hanging by a thread.

I went to the E-Care close to our house that I was pretty sure would have an x-ray machine. We waited patiently for her name to be called, all the while, she was laughing and making me feel a fool for even being there. When we were called back, they wanted to get her weight, she stood, but was still favoring "the" leg. When the doctor came in, after examining her, she was sure it was just a sprain, but *just in case* she wanted us to get x-rays.

We went to the x-ray room. I had already called Dan to inform him that my nomination was BACK ON! It was a sprain and we'd meet them at the snowcone place. Fast forward 5 minutes. Nurse comes in and tells me we will need to move to the next room where their "casting" stuff is. Confused. I ask "so it's just a sprain right? And you're going to wrap it for her?"

No. No it's not. It's a fracture. A spiral tibial fracture of her right leg.

Nomination. Dead.

They told me I'd need to see a specialist ASAP and that she would likely be in a cast for 4-6 weeks, but not to worry because these kinds of injuries rarely have lasting effects on their growth long term. Great. Bella, nevermind you can't walk (the thing you love more than cereal and do all of the hours of the day tht you're not sleeping), you will not be damaged later in life. While, as a mother, that is encouraging.....to my 18 mo old, she could care less.

We suffered through the frustration and pain the first two days. We saw a specialist on Tuesday who put her in a more useable (although still very 18 mo old un-friendly) cast, and informed us we would come back in 3 weeks after we got another x-ray. At that point, he will either remove the cast entirely, or if it's not totally healed, he will put her in more of a walking cast, so she can at least get around better for the duration. We, of course, are praying for full healing.

So, that's it. The whole shebang. On my birthday week and my 28th week of pregnancy with my 3rd child, I broke my baby's leg. It's been traumatic for us all. But my tough little girl is proving again, how amazing and adaptable she is.

She's back at school today (4 days post incident) and she seems to be doing well.

It's that point in my parenting life where I am forced to make a decision about what kind of parent I am going to be. Do you coddle your baby and make sure they want for nothing? Or do you let them figure it out.....and know that despite their frustration, they will be ok? That the hard times are temporary and that "this too shall pass"......I think both kinds of parents are important. And lucky for our Boo, she has both. Her mom is hard on her (within reason) and makes her do for herself - tries to distract from the temporary handicap and highlight what she's still capable of doing, but daddy is there to cuddle and sympathize with her....and make everything better.

Turns out, we're all going to make it through this. Contrary to our initial reaction.

So.....there you have it. The committee has been notified to withdraw my nomination. I guess I'll just try again next year. Maybe I can make it a full 2 years before I break my next baby.

In the room at the ER waiting for our results....pretzels help ease the tension.

It's official - broken. Ice cream is in order.

Just got the new cast on....and she's so relieved Daddy came to see her :)

Day 2 with the new cast. Like a champ. This kid is awesome :)